Happy House
by LittleMissDarkling
Summary: When Ludwig got himself locked up in a loony bin, he couldn't figure out how anything could be better again. Will a strange Italian turn things around, or only make them worse? GerIta HumanAU HospitalFic Rated M for cutting, cursing, and whatever else. Discontinued, but with complete summary at the end.
1. Chapter 1

Author Note: First story, big whoop. If this is crappy then it will just be another crappy fic you have read. So whatever. I don't own the characters so don't sue (I am I supposed to do this everytime?). You can read and review if you want but it doesn't bother me none.

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><p>When Ludwig woke up he found himself strapped down to a hospital bed with no noise but the various electrical beeps that came from the machines around him. In his groggy state of confusion he had almost forgotten what had happened to land him in this situation. The argument, the anger, and the overwhelming feeling of helplessness—it all came flooding back in whether he wanted to remember or not.<p>

His whole life he had let his father tell him what to do, what he will become, and how he would live his life. He was to graduate at top of his class, go to law school, become a successful lawyer, find an attractive, high society woman, marry her, and have grandchildren that will grow up to carry on the Beilschmidt name. Ludwig never wanted that, but it was easier to just go along with his father's plan for a successful life, despite the tugging of his dreams on his heart.

Ludwig wanted first of all to be a pastry chef. Baking was a secret passion that no one knew of. He would have been very happy to be making middle class wage in his own shop just baking. Secondly, Ludwig was very much gay. As beautiful as any woman was, he would never feel the same attraction as he would to another man. Both of these notions were things his father would stamp down on coldly. Thus they were both the skeletons that were locked away in the closet no ever bothered to look in. As miserable as it would have made him (and was already) he was fully prepared to follow his father's plan. Or at least he was until Graduation.

"This is where our life begins," Arthur, the Valedictorian, had said. "Now is the time for us to go onto our path. No one can tell us what to do but us. We decide where to go and what to do. Now is the time for us to find who we are." Those words repeated themselves over and over in his head. That brainy Britain had a point. His father shouldn't decide what Ludwig's life was going to be like. That was for him to decide! And throughout the rest of the speech and the graduation ceremony all he could thing about was how he was going to tell his father about how he was going to control him anymore.

"Father, I have something to say to you." His whole body tingled. The situation felt so unreal. Was he really going to let one silly speech sway his thought process? … No this was necessary. It was now or never.

"What is it Ludwig?" he said without looking up from the newspaper he was reading. He turned to page as if to show he had better things to do. This just furthered Ludwig's stance.

"I want to be a baker."

Silence. For a moment all there was was the ticking of the grandfather clock in the background. Then his father let out a sigh.

"Ludwig, don't be ridiculous. We have a plan. You'll be lawyer and grow up rich and successful and carry on our family name. Now if that is all you have to say you can go." He said this as if he was a small boy jabbering about some cartoon he saw. Ludwig gritted his teeth and felt his fist clench.

"I'm not going to law school. I'm not going to be a lawyer. Father," he paused trying to think of a good way to continue. Buy this point his father had actually looked up from his papers to give him a hard stare. "Father, I have my own hopes and dreams. I know you want the best but-"

"But what? You think you know better than I do? What about all the time and money I've invested into persevering your future? Don't you care about what will happen to you? Do you want to be some nobody with a pathetic career that won't take you anywhere? Hopes and dreams don't mean anything Ludwig. Get rid of your idealism and see the reason. Now you'll go to law school as planed and years from now you'll back at this and laugh and see I was right."

And that was when all hell broke loose. The two argued back and forth for a good hour. In the end his father had successfully made Ludwig feel like a small, stupid boy before dismissing. All Ludwig could do was go to his room in turmoil. Once there he slammed his door and paced back and forth agitatedly for a few seconds before finding something to throw at the wall. So he finally told off his dad. Big whoop. He should feel great but he doesn't. He just feels worse than ever. Angry, trapped, miserable, hopeless. The moment was just too much.

And then that was when he grabbed his pocket knife from off the dresser and plunged it straight into his left wrist. It wasn't the first time he hurt himself, but it was never like this. Small nicks and burns but never the gaping, dripping gash that was in his arm now. It didn't take long for him to get woozy. Then he stumbled over and landed on the floor with a thud. The first thought he had when his vision began to fade to black was that he'd never get to be a baker. The second thought was how mad his father would be with him for ruining the wood floor.

Ludwig looked down at his left arm. He could see the thick bandages underneath the even thicker leather strap holding him down. He let his head fall back down to the pillow with an almost disappointed sounding thwump.

How was he ever going to get himself out of this one?


	2. Chapter 2

Author's Note: don't own anything except for the doctor who is an oneshot OC for India and named after my Indian friend.

A couple things, first thanks to all the people who alerted and reviewed. I was really surprised with the positive feedback I had gotten. Secondly, I just wanna say that the characters are going to be a bit OOC, just because and Adult, Nation Germany is going to act a little diffrent from a teenaged, human Ludwig. More notes at the end, don't want to spoil! :)

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><p>After a few minutes Ludwig figured out that he wasn't alone in his hospital room. On his right side his brother, Gilbert, was slumped over in an uncomfortable looking chair. His silver hair was messy and looked grungy. He could see dark brownish-red stains on parts of clothes. Ludwig let out a groan. So it was his brother that had found him. To this he had mixed feelings. While he was a bit relieved that it was probably his brother that found him rather than his father, he felt bad for whatever horrible effect he had put on his psychological state.<p>

He supposed it was better to wake him now than wait for him to come to. He probably wanted to talk.

"Hey, Bruder, wake up," he said. He kicked the bottom of his footboard of his bed to make some noise. Gilbert stirred for a few seconds before slowly opening his eyes. As he began to wake up he rubbed his eyes then looked at his watch. Then he noticed that Ludwig was looking at him. He sprang to life and to Ludwig's side almost immediately.

"Mein Gott, you're okay!" He gave Ludwig an awkward hug around his neck. When he pulled back he had a more serious face. "That was totally an unawesome thing you did," he said in an uncharacteristically soft way. "You had me really scared. It was terrible to see you there. If only I had been home when you and dad had that argument…"

How did he know about the argument? He had been out with Antonio and Francis that night—left with them after graduation. His father must have told him.

"Gilbert, this isn't your fault, you have nothing to do with this," Ludwig paused as he tried to find the right words to say. "I was just being a silly teenager. Stupid and angsty… this was just a onetime thing, nothing you need to worry about—"

"Really? And what about the other scars you have? What about the other little cuts and burns that go up and down your arms? Were those a onetime only thing too?" Gilbert exclaimed.

Shit.

Ludwig had forgotten about that. He couldn't think of anything to say to defend them. He glanced off to the side and Gilbert let out a sigh.

"Bruder, what's wrong with you? I care please talk to me… say anything." He looked at him with those eyes you see on puppy dogs when they want something. It made Ludwig's stomach turn with guilt.

"It's just—"

Just as he was about to try and explain himself, the doctor came in the room. He had dark skin and hair, probably Indian.

"I see you're awake," he said in a very neutral, but accented tone. "I'm Doctor Dave; I'll be the one attending to you while you are here." Then he began to check his various charts and other vitals.

"How long am I to be here?" Ludwig asked. He's already tired of the leather straps holding him down. Oh how his nose itches…

"You are to be here on suicide watch for another 18 hours, and when your vitals are stable you get transferred." Doctor Dave said. Gilbert shifted uncomfortably in his chair. What is this about a transfer?

"What do you mean by that?" Doctor Dave raised an eyebrow.

"Did your brother not tell you?" Gilbert shifted again and muttered a sorry bruder under his breath. "You are to be transferred to the local Mental Hospital. We usually send cases like yours there for a week, but your father had it arranged for you to stay there for two months. Must feel nice to have father concerned enough to pay for such a stay." Then he left the room.

Ludwig snorted at the notion. His father just didn't want to put up with him. He couldn't blame him though. He didn't even want to put up with himself at the moment. Gilbert didn't say anything, and the room fell into silence once again.

After another day and a half of being hawked over in a hospital room, he was finally getting shipped over to the Mental Hospital. Gilbert was driving the car over and Ludwig sat in the passenger seat and in the silence he was berating himself over and over in his head.

He couldn't believe this was happening to himself. How could he have been so rash and stupid? It was all his fault though, so surely he deserved it. He didn't need to go plunging random sharp objects in his room. And if it had really been the first time this probably wouldn't be happening now. A loony bin? Really? He was a disgrace to the family name, even if he loathed it. He felt so embarrassed, and he couldn't even image how his father and Gilbert must really fell about. He was so pathetic. He wished he hadn't been rescued, it would've been better if he died. It would've been better if—

"Ludwig, we're here," Gilbert said. Ludwig looked out the side window and saw to men in white scrubs ready to escort him in. As he began to unbuckle, Gilbert asked "Would you like me to come in with you?"

"No," Ludwig said in as he tried to hold back all emotion ready to spill out. "It would be better if you just go. " Gilbert made a small nod. Then Ludwig exited the car.

"Bruder, get better," he said, "Remember, I love you and I only want for you to get better." Ludwig didn't say anything. He didn't need to get better. He was just fine. Stupid but fine. He closed he door and after a minute the car drove off. Ludwig gave is attention to the men in white suits. He gave a curt nod in greeting and followed them into the building.

The interior was stark and white, like everything had been scrubbed down in bleach. The only color there was was in the various paintings lining the wall. The all seemed very interesting, not at all like the kitschy paintings in other hospitals. He made a mental note to try to look at them later: if he got the chance. Dear God, he hoped he wouldn't be locked up in a padded room with only himself for company. That would be terrible company indeed.

He was given papers to sign and a schedule of daily tasks, meal times, group activities and appointments he had to keep. Then he was given his clothes to wear: gray shirts and pants, five pairs of them to be exact. After this he was lead to his room by the same men in white. He was informed that he'd be in room 403 and that he would have a roommate. He was unsure how to feel about this at first. What if he was some schizophrenic that thought he was Marilyn Monroe or someone that wouldn't do anything but stare and stare… but then one of them said this:

"Don't worry, this guy's great with roommates," he said. Ludwig didn't know what this had meant, but just nodded and ran with it. Once they got to room 403 the men in white turned and left. Ludwig took this as his cue to go in. Why was he so nervous? It's just another person, a crazy person perhaps, but a person. But then again he had never been good with people… Ludwig shook his head and opened the door.

And that's when he saw his mysterious roommate, and it would be a memory to last a lifetime.

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><p>Okay so rough ages for the characters is that Ludwig is 18 and is just out of High School. Gilbert is about 19 and Antiono and Francis are 18 and 19 respectively. They went out in celebration that they are all out finally. Gilbert and Francis are a year above Antonio and Ludwig. Gilbert isn't in college and lives in the town working at a CD store and living in an apartment. He went home to talk to Ludwig about "How Awesome being out of school is". I'll talk about Feli in the next chapter since that is when we get to really meet him.<p> 


	3. Chapter 3

Author's Note: Okay just a couple things for you to know. One is that the title is based off off the song from Siouxsie and the Banshees, and one of my favorite songs from them to boot. The second is I'm not sure when I'll manage another chapter. I'll be busy tommorrow and sunday with church things. (I'm making thanksgiving dinner for the homeless! so excited!) and I have a project due tuesday that I've put off till monday. so If i manage something great, if not sorry.

Thanks again to all the people how alerted, favorited, and reviewed this story.

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><p>The mid-afternoon sun was the perfect lighting for the moment; it seemed to suit the mysterious figure so well.<p>

The boy sitting on the bed had shiny auburn hair and an almost reality defying curl sticking out on the side of his head. Ludwig made yet another mental note to ask him about it if he had a pleasant enough disposition. The next thing he noticed was his slender build. It gave him an almost fragile appearance, which only made Ludwig more curious as to why he was here. After Ludwig had finished giving him the look over he closed the door and began to move into the room.

Ludwig walked over and placed his items on the bed before sitting down on it as well. This action resulted in the very loud creak that startled his roomie out of his daze. The auburn haired enigma turned around sharply at the sudden noise. Ludwig could've sworn that at least five different emotions flew through his face as he first looked at Ludwig.

First was the surprise at the sudden intrusion of his space, or as if he was surprised that he didn't notice him already, Ludwig couldn't tell. Second, was fear, which made Ludwig feel uncomfortable and unwanted. Third, was apathy. It was the total blank expression on his face that terrified Ludwig the most. It had only last a splint second, but Ludwig wished he could block it out. Fourth, was determination, as if he made this decision to do something. But what Ludwig didn't know. Finally, he broke out into a shit-eating grin that just left him thoroughly confused.

"Ve, I guess you're my new roommate!" he said with this dopey smile. "My name is Feliciano Vargas, but you can call me Feli!" Mein Gott, he had wonderful eyes. And that smile… Ludwig had to shake himself out of his stupor and reply before he embarrassed himself.

"Um, yeah, hi," oh how eloquent, "My name is Ludwig. Ludwig Beilschmidt."

"Ludwig? Ve, that's a nice name. Are you new here? You must be new here, you haven't a uniform on, how silly of me. I can show you around this place isn't that bad, ve." Then he began rambling about the cafeteria and how they needed more pasta in it. Ludwig just stared at him stunned. How did this get himself locked up in here? Did they put ADD people in here? What would the other people be like? Will he be the only screwed up person here? Surly he can't be the only weirdo. The thought made his wrist itch. Then he noticed that Feliciano was trying to get his attention.

"Ve, Ludwig, if I'm correct then we should have dinner around now?" Yeah, he probably did.

"Um, I'll check," Ludwig grabbed the schedule paper from off his bed. True to what he said, this was the slotted time for lunch "Yeah, I have it to." He looked off awkwardly. Feliciano was looking at him with those big eyes of his, as if waiting for him to say something. "Did you want to head down there? You can show me the way." This seemed to be it as he bounced off of his bed and to the door.

"Ve, let's go," he chirped. "I'll tell you about what is worth it. Most of it is pretty shitty." Ludwig decided it was best that he let Feliciano do all the talking. As they walked down the corridors he saw more paintings lining the walls, each as interesting as the next.

"Hey, Feliciano, do you know what's with the paintings?" Ludwig asked. "They're very interesting. Not like most hospital paintings. Are they special or something?" Feliciano shrugged.

"They're all made by patients here, so I guess that's why. But aren't most artists tormented anyway…" his voice trailed off as if in deep thought before bouncing back to chipper just as fast. "Ve, are you interested in art Ludi?" Ludi? A nickname? How… interesting. The only person that ever gave him a nickname was Gilbert, and even then those nicknames didn't even make sense. He'd be "west" and Gilbert would be "east". The only reason he ever got was "'cause it's awesome!" which can mean almost anything. Then he thought about how cold he had treated him earlier. Better to answer Feliciano then get lost in his thoughts.

"I'm not an artist. I just find the works to very unique. They feel very real." There, job done. Feliciano gave a small smile, on so much different than the ones he had been given for the past 10 minutes. It seemed so genuine, but if this one was the one that was real, then what were the others? At this point Ludwig couldn't even fathom what was going in his head.

"I'll pass your praises onto the artist," Feliciano with a secretive smile, "I'll tell them they have a new fan." Then that shit-eating grin came back as he stopped in front of a door. "Ve, we're here! This is our cafeteria." Feliciano pushed the door opened and held it open to for Ludwig so he could pass in as well.

The cafeteria wasn't much to look at; it was bleached white like everything else. There were people in gray scattered everywhere eating their food, or picking at it. Ludwig saw one woman who was have a very in-depth conversation with her food. He let Feliciano lead the way to the line.

"I normally just get the pasta from the line," he said with a chirp. "It's not as good as _my _pasta, but it's better than the other food. It's all still hospital food after all." Ludwig nodded weakly. The longer he was in the area the less hungry he felt.

"I'm actually not really in the mood to eat," Ludwig said. Feliciano gave him a sympathetic smile.

"You're going to have to though; the hospital can't have people trying to starve themselves. You wouldn't want them to call you an anorexic too?" Ludwig sighed. As goofy as the guy was, he was right. He grunted in reply and they got their food.

Ludwig and Feliciano's plates had wheat spaghetti and sauce, broccoli, apple slices, a roll, yellow jello and water in a plastic cup. It didn't look particularly appetizing, but it was better than nothing. Neither of the two said anything. At least it stayed that way until Feliciano piped up.

"So are you in here for cutting, or for a suicide attempt?" He said this in a blunt way as if there wasn't a better a way to put it (and there probably wasn't). Ludwig blushed and began to wish he was invisible.

"Ah, I guess both, but I wouldn't really consider myself a cutter…", Ludwig said. This was so embarrassing, but it was his fault he was here so he had to suck it up. He hoped that this would be enough to satisfy Feliciano, but he kept on.

"Why do you cut yourself?" Is this guy his secret therapist or just nosy?

"Um," he didn't know what to say. Why did he do it? "I guess it is because of different reasons. My dad had a lot of control over me, and there was a lot of stress to keep him satisfied. I also don't really have any friends… I was so busy with school and doing what my father wanted I never took the time to build relationships. Though I would never tell them anything…" Hell, why was he even telling this weirdo anything. This guy was dangerous; he couldn't keep telling him things. He'd be too exposed, and that was never good, or at least that's what his father had always told him. "It's just complicated." Feliciano seemed to take the hint and didn't say anything else after that.

While he was eating he began to study him again. He seemed normal enough, but after a while of staring he saw the faded scars that littered Feliciano's arms. Ludwig could've kicked himself for not noticing them earlier. Maybe they weren't so different?

"Ve, I've got to go," Feliciano said, throwing him out of his thoughts. "I'll see you later Ludi," and he took off. He watched him as he left. Even if they were similar, was that a good thing?

The rest of the day was a daze. He didn't have anywhere he needed to be so he wandered around the building as though he were in a dream for about an hour. Afterwards he barricaded himself in his room for the rest of the evening. He just laid on his bed staring at the ceiling pondering for the millionth time today his situation.

He should be out having fun. It's summer, and where is he? In a loony bin, that's where. Stupid Ludwig, doing stupid things as usual. Maybe he was just a stupid little boy. He gets into an argument over being a baker and goes off and slits a wrist like a wuss. Who does that? Was he really that stupid? Did he really waste all that time in school, working himself up to be the third in his class to throw it all away like that? Or was he better off dead? Should've have just been left there to bleed out on his floor and fade away like there had never been anything inside him in the first place. It made him want to do something, hurt something. Like he wanted to cut, didn't that always make him feel better? Then again that was what got him in this situation.

By the time he had shaken himself out of his thoughts he had realized two things, first that it was nighttime and Feliciano was asleep in his bed. The second thing he realized was that he had been crying. Ludwig rolled over and to try and sleep, if only to escape the thoughts that swirled around in his head. It was going to be a long night.

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><p>Okay so Feliciano is supposed to be 18 as well. I love how everyone is worrid for Ludwig, it makes me excited for down the road when we get to see what is going in Feli's head.<p>

Just a question, where do i go to see who has this story on alert and the like. I really can't find it. :(


	4. Chapter 4

Author's note: Okay this chapter isn't that great, just Feli and Ludwig talking. I hope it isn't a letdown.

Thanks again to all the people who alerted and reviewed. To Allers3 thanks for the info, I tried to PM but my computer just keep freezing up. ^~^'

Do not own anything!

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><p>Somehow Ludwig had managed to get to sleep. Through the tossing and turning and his attempts to quit crying he was surprised he had even managed it. His sleep was filled with black as usual. He seldom ever had a dream, and he preferred it that way. However it almost went flew out the window when he awoke to a shocking discovery.<p>

Once his eyes had adjusted to the light, Ludwig saw that he was face to face with his roommate Feliciano. He wasn't sure how to react to this. This was a freaking thing right? Isn't now a time for a freak out session? Or should he just see if he had a reason for being a creeper. Do creepers have reasons for being creepers though…? Ludwig just shook his head. The best course of action would be to just wake. It was Feliciano in his bed after all. He shook his shoulder a bit to try to stir him. This proved effective as he grimaced before opening those eyes of his. Oh God, the color of them…

"Ve, good morning Ludwig," Feliciano said. He apparently didn't get what was so awkward about being a bed intruder. "How did you sleep?"

"I slept just find," Ludwig muttered. "Waking up, not so much. Can you explain you reasons for coming into my bed in the middle of the night?" Now that Ludwig thought of it how did they even manage to fit on the bed? Of course Feliciano smiled like had been doing all of yesterday.

"You were upset last night, crying and stuff, so I went over to calm you down. It was actually _you _that grabbed me," he said, he took a pause to remember more details about the account. "You have quite the grip. I thought playing along wouldn't hurt me, so I just crawled in the bed. I didn't mean to make you upset."

Ludwig couldn't understand why he would do such a thing, subconsciously or not. How embarrassing! Poor Feliciano had to spend the whole night so close. It had to have been gross for him, sleeping with some stranger he barely knew.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to," How does one go about apologizing for things like this? "If I'm doing something stupid just don't worry about. You don't need to be concerned about me." There, he tied it up and resolved the issue so he didn't need to worry about it again.

"Ve, I want to be concerned." What? "Friends care about each other and I want to be your friend. I like doing that kind of stuff. Can I be your friend Ludwig?"

"Sure Feliciano." Mouth, what are you doing? "I would like it if you were my friend."

Ludwig, stop. This couldn't possibly work out. He had to keep it together, be unexposed. Be a Beilschmidt. Then again he could roll with this, he was quite the looker… No Ludwig bad thoughts. Unaware of Ludwig's inner thoughts, Feliciano launched himself forward and nearly tackled Ludwig in a hug.

"Ve, but you have to call me Feli from now on, okay? All my friends call me that." He looked up at him with those bright, golden eyes and that goofy grin. Ludwig had to keep himself together and not collapse into a puddle of goo. This was one of those very bad times to be gay.

"Yeah, Feli, I can do that." Ludwig gave a smile that surprisingly didn't need to be forced. Feliciano seemed satisfied with it.

At this point Ludwig decided that now would be a great time for a shower. Ludwig walked into the adjacent bathroom. It plain to say the least: the walls and floors were covered in the same bleached white tile with one toilet, two sinks, a reinforced mirror and a shower stall with no doors or curtains. It was just two heads attached to the wall with a drain in the floor. There was no lock on the door, so was there to be no privacy?

"It's because they're afraid people will try to hang themselves, or barricade themselves in." Feliciano said.

"How did you know what I was thinking?" Ludwig asked. Feliciano shrugged.

"Everyone asks about it, so it was kind of obvious, ve. But yeah, it's happened before, so it's just safer like this. I've seen it before; it makes the assistants all panicky and just causes problems for the person that was trying to attempt anything." He seemed really glum about it. Did Feliciano like the privacy? Probably, didn't everyone? Despite all this he still need a shower.

"Um, are you going to go or…?" Jeeze, this was awkward. Feliciano frowned.

"Ve, but I need to shower too." With this he stripped off his hospital issued clothes and underwear and turned one the water to one of the shower heads. Ludwig just watched without any idea of what to do in a situation like this. He'd never been in a public shower, not even at school. Feliciano turned and looked at him expectantly. Mein Gott, he was so naked! He had to use all his self-control to not look at his 'down there' places. If he got a hard on it would be the end of him.

"Ludi, aren't you going to get in? You can use the other shower head," Feliciano pointed to the opposite wall as if Ludwig hadn't already seen it. "If you're just shy I won't stare, unless you want me to!" Aw, what the hell, he was going to be here for two more months, he had better get used to it. Ludwig turned away from Feliciano and started to remove his clothing. He can do this, he's a man and Feli was a man...ish.

When he worked up the courage to turn around and approach the showers, he could've sworn to seeing Feliciano whipping his head around in the other direction. That little bastard did stare, but then again he would do the same thing so he couldn't complain. Ludwig and his pervy gay mind. How would Feliciano react if he knew? He probably wouldn't get in his bed that's for sure. He turned on the water and adjusted it to a comfortable temperature. Once there he grabbed the hospital issued shampoo and squeezed some out onto his hand. While going through the rest of the typical actions he had let his mind wander yet again.

What if Feliciano had found out about him? Would he freak out and not go near him anymore. Would he not want to be his friend? What if they reported him and he got moved somewhere else. Somewhere out of the juvenile ward and somewhere he would be isolated for the two months. Two months. The words had repeated themselves in his head. What would happen to him? What if he couldn't get out in two months? What if he got trapped here forever? Forever with no shower curtains, decent food, and the ability to do whatever he wanted. He'd be remembered as the black mark in his family, as if he wasn't already due to be stuck in here.

Out of the corner of his eye he could see Feliciano drying himself off with a white towel (of course it would be white).

"Ve, I'll see you in the cafeteria, and then we can go to the group meeting together." He had almost forgotten the group meeting.

"Alright, I'll be right out Feli," He told him. Feliciano turned and left, and then came back.

"Ve, by the way, you look great Ludi, you don't need to be shy!" Feliciano laughed than bounced back out. Ludwig blushed fiercely at the comment. He hoped he could get used to him in the two months. How did he end up with such a guy as his first (and hopefully) best friend?

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><p>Somehow I got the feeling that bathrooms aren't set up like that in real life institutions, but I wouldn't know. I know Ludi and Feli are supposed to be 18 but I'm just going to throw them in the Juvinile category because they are still pretty young and it is easier to surround them with other Hetaila characters in that age group. I'll try to get the next chappie up soon, I got a good idea of what the next chapters are going to be like so it shouldn't be that hard.<p> 


	5. Chapter 5

Author's Note: Okay I finally finished this. The second half was such a chore to write that i kept putting it off. I'm sorry darklings. :( But things have to be written to get anywhere. We get to meet more characters in this chapter. I'll put more notes about them in the bottom. No spoilers up here.

I think I want to make the note that I'll probably start putting up chapters after at least one review, just so I know that someone has actually read it. i know I hate it when I get clusterfucked with updates for a story in my inbox. Too many chapters up and i just can't keep up and drop the story.

Thanks again to all the people who alerted and reviewed. I own nothing!

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><p>When Ludwig got into the cafeteria he saw Feliciano waiting at a table with an extra tray he assumed was his food. He also saw some men in white administrated medication in little white cups to the other patients. Was he going to have to take pills too? He almost recalled being told something about that, but he was so out of it in shock yesterday that he didn't quite remember. He decided to shrug it off and join Feliciano at the table.<p>

"Ve, hi Ludi, I got your food for you, I hope you don't mind." He looked down at the plate. It was a typical breakfast menu; eggs, potatoes, sausage, toast, water, and an orange on the side. It looked a little cheap, but it was better than nothing.

"No, I don't mind at all. Thank you Feli." Feliciano smiled and took another bite out of the toast on his bread. Ludwig took a bite out of the potatoes and had almost swallowed when the men in white came to give them their medication. The food then felt like a cold lump as it went down.

He had a little cup with three pills in it. Ludwig had no clue what they were for. He tried to ask but the men had already left to continue administering to other patients. Ludwig eyed them suspiciously. What if they had some weird side effect? Should he take them without asking or just wait?

"He Feli, do you know what these are for?" Ludwig had asked. He probably didn't know, but it was worth asking.

"The big gray one is an anti-depressant, the small orange one is for anxiety, and the third one is an anti-biotic, probably for the cut you have," Feliciano had said in a matter-of-fact tone. Now that Ludwig thought about it, the other boy had twice as many pills as he had, including the same ones that Ludwig had (minus the anti-biotic of course). When Ludwig was caught watching, he had downed his pills very quickly. Ludwig blushed and did the same. When was he going to stop with this staring nonsense?

"Ve, um," Feliciano stuttered out. "How do you like the food?" Ludwig had blinked, he had barely taken a bite, and he was sure that his companion knew this. Was this about the pills?

"It's fine. I like the potatoes." Feliciano perked at this.

"Really? I think they're kind of gross." He said and stuck his tongue out. Ludwig shrugged.

"I like potatoes, I mean these are kind of greasy but I still enjoy them. " Ludwig then looked down and took a bite out of one of the sausages. "However, these little things that they call meat should belong in the offices to be used for erasers." The joke was pathetic, but it made Feliciano laugh.

"That was funny," Feliciano laughed. "I think it's the first joke I've heard from you." Ludwig smiled.

"I think it's the first joke I've said in a long time."

After breakfast the two began to head to the group session that they had to go to twice every week.

"There aren't a lot of kids in our session," Feliciano explained. "They try to group kids together with similar cases. Like anorexic kids have their own group to go to. I works out this way so people relate, or are supposed to, to each other."

"What is our group for?" Ludwig asked. Feliciano just looked away and got remarkably quiet. Was that a bad question to ask? What was their group for?

"It's for kids that have attempted suicide," Feliciano finally said.

Ouch. That would be painful for someone to say. Ludwig felt himself get even more embarrassed. Is this how low you've sunk Ludwig? What would your father say? He tried to shake himself out of those thoughts, though he probably would end up reflecting upon them anyway in the group.

"Okay, we're here!" Feliciano said with a smile that would've fit more on a mask than a face. Then it hit Ludwig. _Feliciano had tried to kill himself_. That chipper kid with the smile had tried to kill himself. Why would someone like him want to do that? It didn't make any sense whatsoever. Then again a lot of things didn't. If anyone were to look at Ludwig they would say that he looked like a robot and wouldn't be surprised if they knew he were here. But if anyone were to look at Feliciano they'd see a guy that would probably get cats out of trees and help old ladies across the street. He was just that nice. Unless it was an act and he really hated Ludwig.

Once he had come out of his thought spot, he realized that he was already seated next to Feliciano on a white sofa. The furniture around them had been arranged in a circle. There were three people seated and another that had just arrived.

The first was a woman in her late 20's who was wearing a suit. Ludwig assumed she was the therapist that would be working with them. She had long, wavy, brunette hair that was pinned back to the side by a jeweled flower hair pin. She had green eyes and a friendly smile. Despite this he didn't want to say anything about himself to her or to any of these people.

The next was a Japanese boy with choppy black hair and dark brown eyes. He had a straight face that could rival a champion poker player. He was very reserved and carried himself in a conservative manner. It made Ludwig wonder what he did and why.

The next was another boy with shaggy, shoulder length hair and green eyes. He looked the most normal out of the group (including Ludwig himself). However normality varies and Ludwig had once again no idea why he would be here.

The final person and the one that was just arriving was a girl that had looked to be 14. She had blonde hair in a chin length bob and bright green eyes. (What is with all the green eyes?) She had a blue ribbon tied to a lock of hair on the right side of her head. A small smile graced her face as she sat down in a chair. The poor dear, how could a girl so sweet end up in a place like this?

The woman in the suit clapped her hands together to get everyone's attention. Ludwig gave her a hard stare as he tried to calculate how the group would go. He figured it would either be really bad or okay. Something like this can't be that great.

"Okay, let's start. In case you haven't noticed, though I'm sure you have, we have a new person in our group." Then she turned to face Ludwig. "My name is Doctor Elizabeta Héderváry, but you can just call me Ms. Elizabeta. It's much more easier to pronounce than my last name. Now if you could introduce yourself I'll have the other kids do the same and we can move on." She flashed him a smile and waited for him to give his name.

"My name is Ludwig Beilschmidt," he said. He left it at that because he didn't know what else to say. You can't really say 'glad to be here' or 'nice to meet you' in a place like this. If anything it sucked being here and if he were to ever meet these people he'd rather it had been in better circumstances, not in some happy farm group for angsty teenagers. The Japanese boy seemed to notice his discomfort and took over from there.

"My name is Kiku Honda. Welcome to the group Ludwig-San." Kiku gave him a small smile and Ludwig returned the gesture, even if he wasn't really feeling it. The next boy scooted up ever so slightly and uncrossed his legs before speaking.

"My name is Toris Laurinaitis. " With this he sank back into his chair. Ludwig guessed that he probably didn't know what to say. Must be shy…

"My name is Lili; I hope your stay here helps you with whatever you have." Mein Gott, she was sweeter than any pastry Ludwig had ever made. He smile almost gave him diabetes. He gave her smile back and hoped she would be getting out soon and go on like a normal girl. Next to him he felt Feliciano turn towards him.

"Ve, you know who I am already Ludi!" Feliciano giggled. He then turned to the other people in the room. "He's my new roommate," he explained. Everyone mouthed an 'Oh' in response. Ms. Elizabeta clapped again, demanding the attention.

"Okay, I guess the best topic for this week is would be to talk about our interests and dreams. I know this may sound repetitive to most of you but it is good to reaffirm your goals for yourselves." It took all of Ludwig's willpower to not face palm himself into oblivion.

The group discussion last for an hour. It was in this period that he got learn more about the other patients. Kiku liked to watch anime, take pictures, and play with his friend's many cats. He wanted to grow up to a Veterinarian, which halfway met his parents' desires for him to be a doctor. Toris liked to clean, read, and hang out with his best friend, Feliks. He claimed to have never put much thought into future goals for an unspoken reason. Lili liked to go shooting with her older brother, cooking, and designing clothes. She didn't really know what she wanted to be when she grew up, but that is common for most young people her age.

All Ludwig could tell them was that he wanted to be a baker. He thought they would laugh at some scary guy like him wanting to make delicate cakes. But they all thought that it was very fascinating. Ludwig made a side note to see if he could make a cake sometime. When asked about hobbies he realized that he didn't really have any. The only thing he had was homework and the occasional time he was allowed to bake something for school parties. His father only approved of this skill because women tended to find it 'romantic' when a man baked things for them; a useful skill for making grandchildren to benefit the Beilschmidt name. Of course he didn't tell that, but they probably got the jest.

The only thing Feliciano said was that he wanted to be an artist and nothing more. No one had asked further questions and he wasn't egged on by Ms. Elizabeta like Ludwig had been. They just accepted it and they moved on with small talk until time had run out. It was awfully suspicious to Ludwig. What was going on with Feliciano? Did everyone know something except him? Or did no one know at all? All Ludwig knew was that he just had to find out.

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><p>Okay, so Kiku is 17, Toris is 16, and Lili is 14. I picked Japan and Lithuania because they have high sucide rates in real life. I picked Lichienstein for the reason that she is just so cute! Horrible reason but whatever. I'll probally end up putting their reasons and how they tried later in the story. Also each of them will have someone they know make an apperance later in the story. I think its kinda obvious but again, its whatever.<p>

Hungary is 29-33 (a lady never reveals her age). I picked her because she is quite motherly when she doesn't have a camera or a frying pan.


	6. Chapter 6

Author's note: Okay, I just spent the whole day writing this chapter. It ended up being longer than i had originally had in mind. Well i just want to wish happy thanksgiving to everyone. And once again thanks to all that have alerted and reviewed. i still don't own anything.

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><p>After the group session was over Feliciano had left to go off on yet another session with another therapist. Not knowing what to do, Ludwig went back to his room to memorize what he need to do and where to go when needed to. He knew at 11:45 he needed to go to a private session. It was now 10:50 so that gave him time to spare. He put his paper down and lay back on the bed.<p>

Times like this is when he could really use a hobby or anything to pass time. With nothing to do Ludwig decided to investigate the whole reason he was here. He sat back up and scrutinized his left arm. He never had really thought about what he did when he was upset. If anything he tried to forget about it and just move and hope that he wouldn't do it again. Clearly the plan had completely failed as he never really stopped: he had only got worse.

Ludwig counted 32 scars on his arm. They were a dusty pink and littered across the space between the palm of his hand and the crook of his elbow. Three of those scars were burn scars from where he had heated up a bobbin pin, but all came from the one incident where he had tried this method out. In his opinion heating something up took too long and didn't give him the same gratification as a blade did. He was sure he had few more scars but they went under the fat bandage that was covering up his most recent and worse cut. Ludwig had an almost sick feeling that it wasn't just going to turn pink and fade like the other cuts he had made.

He carefully unwrapped the bandage so that he could put it back on later. Who knew what the doctors here would do if they had found out he had taken it off in the first place. The gash wasn't too deep, but had stitches in it just in case it were to reopen. It was a bright reddish-pink that radiated outwards on the skin around it. Around the gash he had counted 6 other smaller scars that had indeed been covered up by the bandage. This gave him a grand total of 39 scars on his arm. He almost wanted to make one more just to give himself a nice even 40. Too bad he didn't have access to anything sharp. How as he going to shave now that he had thought about it…?

Ludwig had wondered how he was able to get away with this behavior. He had been doing this since his the middle of his sophomore year. So for roughly two and half years he had been doing it. You'd think someone would have noticed. Was it that he looked like the perfect student? Or was it because he didn't have any friends to notice? Was it because he always wore long sleeves?

His father had always made him wear slacks, dress shoes, and long sleeved button up shirts. He never got to wear jeans and T-Shirts like the other boys did. The hospital uniform he was wearing now was probably the most casual thing he had ever worn outside of his home. Even his brother got to wear casual clothing because he just didn't care about what father told him to do. He even got a job so that he could pay for his own things and forgo the clothes and rules that Father had forced upon him. Ludwig wished he could have had the ability to stand up to his father. He did try, but he was still so weak.

Ludwig placed his bandages back on and looked at the clock. It was now 11:35. How did he manage to spend all that time musing? He decided it was best not to think. It would probably be dinner time before he came out of his head again!

Ludwig strode down the hall as he tried to find room 310, the office of the therapist that he was supposed to meet. Once he found it he sat in the chair outside the door until it was time for his appointment. What was this going to be like? How much was he going to have to say? Would they pick and prod or stay at a pace Ludwig was comfortable if, if there were such a thing.

BANG! The door to the office flew open with and smacked against the wall. A flash of auburn and gray flew past him and down the hallway. As he turned down the hallway Ludwig got the glimpse of the unmistakable curl that belonged to only one person. He made a note to talk to him about it later, but for now he had to take care of business.

He got up out of his chair and peeked in the doorway. A man sat in a chair with a hand on his face as though expressing annoyance or exasperation. When he noticed Ludwig in the door he quickly dropped the look in favor of a professional persona.

"You can come in now, da?" The man had said to him. "Please close the door on your way in." Ludwig did as told and proceeded into the office. There was a desk and chair, but the man was sitting in a different chair. It was made from leather and was next to one of those sofas that you see on T.V. He had almost groaned when he saw it. The man made a gesture as to that was where he was supposed to be.

When he took a seat on the middle of the couch, he took his opportunity to study the man quickly. He was big man, no mistaking that. He had short, ash blonde hair and violet eyes. He wore a cream colored suit and most unusually a lilac colored scarf. He wore white gloves and was holding a pen and a notepad. He had a smile that looked a little childish and made Ludwig feel more cautious about him.

"My name is Doctor Braginski. And you are Ludwig Beilschmidt if I am correct?" Ludwig nodded. "You can lie down if you would like to and we can begin." Ludwig didn't move and Dr. Braginski took this as his cue to continue. "Okay then, why don't we start with why you are here?" Sure, let's start with that.

"I'm here because of a suicide attempt," Ludwig said while trying to maintain a calm façade. He didn't think that he was quite ready to say this yet, but he refused to show he was uncomfortable. If he can take control of the situation he can control himself better. "And I guess it's because of a previous history of self-harm. Don't you know this stuff already Doctor?" The Doctor shrugged.

"Yes, I do. I've read your file already, but I want you to state why you're here yourself. It can cause problems when someone isn't honest with themselves." I guess that makes sense, but Ludwig is pretty honest with himself already. "Now would you like to explain why you did those things?"

"Did what things?"

"You know what I mean. I'm talking about why you've been cutting yourself and why you decided to take it to the next level on your graduation night." Ugh, this wasn't going to be fun. "I would also like to know how long you've been doing this and why you started. I know this isn't fun for you Ludwig but the sooner we get to the root of the problem the sooner we can figure out what to do to help you." And the sooner they did that the sooner he get out of here!

"I guess I can start with the first time, I think it might help to explain it," Ludwig said. The doctor nodded and jotted something down on his note pad.

"Then start, if you will."

_It had been in November. He had given his father his report card, and he was unsatisfied with his grades. They were straight A's but they still weren't good enough and his father wasn't afraid to tell him._

"_Is this the best you can do?" He had said. "Surely you can do better than this. Or can't you?" A 15 year old Ludwig tried hard to not tremble in front of his father. He didn't want to be berated longer than necessary._

"_I can do better I just—"_

"_You just what? Didn't care enough to try harder? Were you just slacking off and wasting your time with some nonsense. I don't even know what you could be doing instead of working on your schooling, so you must be just slacking." His father said this in a matter of fact way that blasted him like snow in a blizzard. _

"_It was just that the work picked up and got harder. I tried to do well but there was so much." His father just stared him down. He did sort of lie. He did have things on his mind. Like boys. So many boys were on his mind and it was driving Ludwig crazy and causing his schoolwork to suffer. But if he were to tell his father that he thinks he might be gay he'd have bigger problems than his grades. Like were would he live?_

"_Then try harder Ludwig! I don't care if the work is hard; there are a lot of things that are hard. How hard can Algebra 2 be Ludwig? You better get yourself together or you'll never be a Lawyer." Then he had said it:_

"_Do I _have_ to be a lawyer father?" His father blew up almost immediately. _

"_What do you want to be Ludwig? You want to be some stupid nobody on the side of the road begging for change? Are you just going to be like you're other classmates that aren't going anywhere? Well? How stupid are you Ludwig? I have a plan for you and you're going to damn well follow it. So suck it up and get your shit together or I swear to God I'll…" He had his hand raised as if to hit him but he calmed himself down and turned away. "Go to your room, think about what you've said and you're actions. And bring your grades up. " _

_Ludwig had bolted out of the room and up the stairs without a noise. But once he had gotten to his room he had broken down into sobs. Gott he was so pathetic. He was sitting on the floor crying like a little girl and his father was downstairs chilling with a cup of coffee like he was the world's greatest father. He should have better grades, he's better than this isn't he? _

_Is he?_

_Or is he just some pathetic little boy that wasn't good enough. He saw the rage in his father's eyes. If he had any less self-control then he probably would have hit him right there and he probably deserved it. Ludwig got up off the floor and flopped himself on the bed. What was he going to do? He felt like his head would blow up right now. Off to the side he could see the pocket knife that his brother had given him for Christmas last year on his bedside table. He grabbed it and flipped it open._

_He had heard about those kids that cut themselves to make themselves feel better. Did he really want to be one of those kids though? Then his father's screaming rang through his mind again. It was worth a try. Then he brought down the knife on his arm and dragged it across. Pain blossomed up along with the blood that ran down the pale underside of his arm. He let his arm hang off the bed and just absorbed the feeling of what he had just done. The pain was definitely distracting and it gave this strange feeling that he couldn't quite explain. Ludwig brought his arm back up and made another cut._

_He knew he would have to come back to reality eventually, but for now he just wanted this feeling to last._

"So yeah, that's what happened," Ludwig concluded. Doctor Braginski continued to make notes then looked back up again.

"So did you have no other outlets for distraction? Is that why you did it?" The Doctor asked.

"No, it was just spur of the moment but it worked, as in it distracted me," Ludwig said. "I don't have any hobbies."

"How does a teenager not have hobbies? No video games, musical instruments or sports that you do?" Ludwig shook his head.

"I was supposed to focus only on school and was never given the luxury of having an actual hobby or outlet." Ludwig said. "I do like to bake, but the chance to do so is rare, and I didn't want my father to find out how much I liked it. I was afraid he would take it from me."

"Even so Ludwig you need to find some more outlets than this self-destructive activity. Our time is up for now. When we meet again I'd like for to think about some other outlets you could have instead of cutting." Doctor Braginski got up to shake his hand and escort him to the door. Ludwig wasn't done just yet though.

"Doctor, do you think that you can tell me something about Feliciano?" The Doctor gave a heavy sigh. "He's my roommate and I thought maybe you can tell me something about him."

"I can't discuss details about other patients: that is confidential." Ludwig sighed in disappointment. "However I can tell you that he is not what he seems. Have a good day Ludwig." With this he was given a pat on his back that gave him the hint that he should go. He walked off without looking back.

"_He is not what he seems."_

What the hell did that mean?

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><p>Okay so I've never really cut myself like Ludwig had. I had tried but the incident is actually a pretty funny story in a dark comedy sort of a way. So i probally got it wrong, I kinda just got that from other fics and from the book in my Library on self harm that i've read each about three times. (I used to be quite an angsty little person).<p>

Just a note on characters, there will be more apperances on the way but I'll try to keep them secret. If someone wants to see a character they can put it in a review and I'll see if i can give them a cameo.

I had someone ask about the Nordics. I had thought about putting one of them in Ludwig's group, but I didn't want to many characters involved. Sweden and Finland might get cameos because I know more about them then Iceland, Denmark and Norway.


	7. Chapter 7

Author's Note: Okay new chapter! But that might be a little obvious to you all. I'm not sure what to say before this one other than the usual stuff. Happy Thanksgiving again, lol. I didn't think I'd write up another chapter today but I managed it! Thanks for all the people who alerted and reviewed as always and shout out to Forever Wingless; thanks for all the help you've given me! There are more story notes at the end of the chapter.

I do not own anything.

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><p>After Ludwig got out of his appointment with Doctor Braginski, he went on a search to find Feliciano. What the doctor had told him kept repeating itself in his mind. If Feliciano wasn't who he seems then who is he? Did he secretly hate everyone? Was he a criminal mastermind? Would he try to blow up the building with tomato sauce and pasta? The Janitors wouldn't be very happy about that. Without knowing where to go he decided to check their room first.<p>

Sure enough, Feliciano was in there. He was sitting on the bed with his legs tucked up to his chest and his head resting on his knees. Ludwig couldn't help but to watch with curiosity through the window in the door. Should he go in and say something, or would that just upset him? Well, it couldn't hurt to try and talk to him.

However as soon as Ludwig opened the door Feliciano jumped out of his previous position and had on his dimwitted smile again. As he advanced into the room and closer to Feliciano he could see that his eyes were puffy and red and his face was wet.

"Is something wrong Feli?" Ludwig had asked. It was bit of a stupid question, as the answer was probably a big 'hell fucking yeah'. Feliciano just shook his head.

"No, why would you ask that Ludi?" Feliciano asked. His voice sounded near perfect, and had Ludwig been blind he probably would've fallen for it. It was like a silent plea that he should drop it, but Ludwig's curiosity almost had a sadistic bent today.

"You're lying," Ludwig said bluntly. "It's obvious that you've been crying and you stormed out of Doctor Braginski's office earlier." Feliciano didn't have any reaction at first other than cocking his head to the side. Then he let out a soft giggle.

"Ve, it's really rude to make people think that you care Ludi," Feliciano said in a sugar sweet tone. What's this all about? Did he really think that? Why did he care anyway? Maybe he shouldn't have said anything at all… But you can't help it when you see that cute face.

"I thought we were friends. Aren't friends supposed to care?" Ludwig asked. Feliciano just shrugged.

"Okay, I'll play along for now. I just had a disagreement with Doctor Braginski. That's all. Nothing you need to concern yourself with." Ludwig didn't like where this was going. He was going to end up back in square one with this guy and he'd rather not do that.

"What if I said that I wanted to be concerned?" Ludwig blurted out. Feliciano gave him a hard look that could have almost been a glare if Ludwig would stop thinking about how cute he was.

"Then I'd say that you were being stupid." Feliciano said this in a surprisingly harsh tone. The smile was gone and his eyes shone with annoyance and something else that Ludwig couldn't quite name. Then Feliciano had seemingly dropped all of this and returned to the sugar sweet face that made Ludwig melt. "Ve, we should head down to lunch before then men in white come and get us! I hope they're serving pasta!" Ludwig didn't say anything and followed him out of the room.

If anything, Ludwig might have found his distraction. He was going to find out all that he can about Feliciano. The mystery surrounding the Italian boy was too intriguing for Ludwig to resist. When and if he could, he was going to start a list of things that he knew about him to piece together. He had only hoped he wouldn't regret doing this. Who knows what he could dig up?

Then lunch room had indeed served the beloved pasta that Feliciano was so fond of. Ludwig had opted for something with a bit more meat. The chicken sandwich wasn't as crispy as he would have like it to be, but it was better than nothing, as usual.

"Did you want me to tell you more about the kids in our group?" Feliciano asked. Why would he want to know about them? He wanted to know more about Feli!

"Sure, what do you know about them?" Ludwig had asked, figuring it was best to get Feli to warm up to him. The outburst that occurred earlier was something that he didn't want to have to go through again.

"Ve, I know a lot about them. Like Toris; he's here because he tried to jump off of his house. He survived the fall and just got off with a lot of fractured bones and a broken leg. He almost got off with saying it was an accident while he was cleaning the gutters, but his friend Feliks showed them the suicide note he received from him with hopes they could help him. "

"Why did he do it?"

"Ve, he had really low self-esteem and was bullied a lot in his school. His friend tried to help, but the best thing he did for him was get him sent here. Toris is doing a lot better though and I'm sure he can't wait to get out. He's been here for about a month and three weeks."

"Poor guy," Did Ludwig have low self-esteem? He never even bothered to think about it. But considering how much he berated himself… But didn't he deserve it? He was really stupid and his recent actions were reflecting that. "What about that girl Lili?"

"Oh Lili, she is a sweet thing isn't she?" Feliciano sighed. "She is this darling little thing but she couldn't see it. The other girls in her junior high loved to torment her. She became their scapegoat and they just told her horrible things. They never laid a hand her but the words hurt more anyway. She was also struggling a bit with anorexia which just made it worse. She tried to shoot herself but her trigger happy brother could hear the gun from his room and stopped her. Her family sent her here to recuperate. She's been here for three weeks."

"How do you know all this stuff about them?" Ludwig had asked. It made him wonder if Feliciano already had a file on him.

"Ve, I just asked them. I was one of the first people they met here so we have a little chat and I try to make them feel better." Feliciano smiled as he said this, with a real smile too, not just a plastic one that he liked to use against him. "I try my best to help in any way I can. It's about all I'm good for anyway." Did Feliciano just have a bad case of low self-esteem? There seems to be so much more to it though… Feliciano seemed to have regretted saying that and Ludwig decided to move on and not push further for now.

"So what about the other boy, Kiku?" Ludwig asked. Feliciano's discomforted face disappeared as he began to explain the next person.

"Kiku probably has the most gruesome tale, so to speak. He's here because he had stabbed himself. He has really strict, traditional parents, and thought that he would have disgraced them or something if they found that he had a crush on a boy from his school. He hated the thought of ever disappointing them and decided it was best that he never had the opportunity to do so. He tried to go out in the traditional samurai style, but his parent's heard him scream when he got the blade in about 3 inches. Then they him, called the hospital, and after he got patched up he got sent here. He's been here for a few months ever since then." Gott, that _was_ gruesome. He also had a crush on a boy? Kiku really didn't seem the type. But now would be the time to see what Feliciano had thought on that subject.

"Did his parents' care that he was gay, or did they not find out?" Ludwig had asked. He watched him carefully as Feliciano gave his answer.

"Oh yeah, they found out after Kiku had been here for about month and finally coughed up the reason why he did it. They were shocked but would rather have son that's gay and alive than one that was dead. The boy he likes even likes him back! "

"How can you tell?"

"Ve, he visits him every week during the visiting day!"

"Does that sort of thing bother you? Gay people I mean," Ludwig hoped he wasn't making himself too obvious as he had asked that. However knowing Feliciano it might already know. Feliciano shook his head.

"No, it doesn't bother me. Should it?" Feliciano asked while looking at him with eyes that saw right through him. "Ludi, If you're gay it shouldn't bother you. It's okay. Besides," Feliciano got up with his empty plate and gave Ludwig a quirky little smile. "I like boys too." And with that he dumped is trash and walked out of the cafeteria.

Well then, that was something nice to know.

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><p>Well, we know a little more about Italy. Its all about the pacing and we probably won't find out a good chunk about him for a while.<p>

Okay, I feel the need to insert a bit of a time line, just to clear up any confusion about the timing and to help set up the what days the hospital does what.

So on Friday Ludwig almost killed himself. On Saturday he woke up. On Sunday he was still in the hospital. On Monday afternoon he got sent to the Mental hospital where he currently resides. And for the past few chapters it has been Tuesday (How slow is that?).

Ludwig's schedule is basically group events on monday, wednesday, and Friday, and for his first week he has to see Doctor Braginski every day. After that it is just Tuesdays and Thursdays. Ludwig has to go to the meals of course and he gets his medicine every morning at breakfast. He probably isn't treated as a more high risk patient just because his suicide attempt was a tad accidental, but is still a very serious thing.


	8. Chapter 8

Author's note: Sorry I couldn't get this done sooner. I spent yesterday watching Super 8, browsing youtube, putting up christmas decorations, and plucking my eyebrows until they were nearly gone.

Okay and a side note I fucked up the timing for the group activities. I said they were on Monday, Wedneday and Friday, but I started them on a Tuesday. I'll try not to let something like this happen again.

Thanks again to everyone who reviewed and alerted. And I don't own anything.

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><p>The next couple of days were a bit of a bore. Ludwig was beginning to set into the motions of what he would be doing for the next couple of months. However, he was able to procure a piece of paper and pencil in the craft area and began to make a list of all the things he knew about Feliciano.<p>

1. Likes pasta.

2. What the hell is with that curl?

3. Has scars on arms.

4. Has tried to commit suicide.

5. Wants to be an artist.

6. Takes a lot of medicine.

7. Is gay.

It wasn't a lot, but it was enough for now. Feliciano seemed to notice that he was trying to figure him out even if he didn't directly say it. They still talked very often, but it seemed like an act. So Ludwig decided it was only fair that he wouldn't let him in his head either. Thus they spent their time talking about silly subjects like pasta, dogs, art and music among others. Ludwig really didn't have much to say on those topics but he decided to let Feliciano do his thing.

Ludwig did spend the next group session trying to get to know the other kids. Rather than formally talking they got to play a board game, appropriately it was Life. Ludwig surprisingly had a lot of fun playing the game and had almost forgotten about where he and the other kids were at. Kiku had even broken out of his reserved state and Ludwig was sure that Feliciano was genuinely laughing with the rest of them. It was probably the most fun Ludwig had had in a long time.

During his visit with Doctor Braginski, he'd told him that his current distraction was trying to get to know the other kids here, which was only half-lying. The Doctor didn't question him, but said that knowing the kids here would be only temporary and he'd still need to get a hobby eventually. Ludwig still had no idea on what he would be able to for a hobby once he got out of here, but he had another two months to figure that out. The rest of that session had been spent discussing typical things like why he had cut, things he could do instead of cutting, and the like. Ludwig didn't get much out of it, but decided that the less he said to this Doctor the better.

The next visit hadn't been any different to the previous one. Ludwig decided that these were just motions that they went through just to make sure he was stable enough. It made enough sense as they wouldn't start poking and prodding at someone who would run off and try to do something stupid. Then it made Ludwig feel anxious as to what the real sessions would be like. How far would this man want to dig into his personal life and whatever else?

The situation with shaving had been solved as well. He could shave, but only in front of one of the men in white. He couldn't image what damage a shaving razor would do, the most it would provide would be little paper cuts, but that probably wasn't the best thing to bring up if he wanted the hospital workers off his back. The cheap razors couldn't provide him with quite the same shave than the razor he had home could provide, but it was better than having a beard. Feliciano even came with him to shave, which was an almost comical sight. Who could image a beard on a baby face like his?

Now it was Thursday afternoon and he was eating lunch with Feliciano. Today's topic of discussion was strangely enough Doctor Braginski's nose.

"Ve, it's just so big and round!" Feliciano laughed out. "I don't I've ever seen a nose like that since I've come here!" Ludwig chuckled a bit, it was quite the odd sound for him.

"Oh come on, it's not that awkward. It's large, yes, but what's with that curl sticking out of your head?" Ludwig raised his hand and pointed to it with his fork. Feliciano raised his hand and covered it in mock-surprise.

"Ve, you don't like it Ludi?" He drawled out with a goofy whine that Ludwig couldn't help but to smile at.

"No, no, I do like it. I like it a lot," Ludwig said with a blush. Why was he acting so goofy? Was it the medication? "I think it really suits you. Do you style it like that or is it natural?"

"Do you really, ve?" Feliciano said. Ludwig nodded. Feliciano gave it one more touch before returning his attention back to Ludwig. "Ve, it's been growing like that for as long as I could remember. My brother even has one that looks just like it, except his grows on the opposite side." Hmm, so he has a brother? That was nice to know. Feliciano's eyes flashed with surprise when he realized what he had said. Ludwig sighed. He hated it when he did that. True that they had only known each other for a few days, but Ludwig really wished that Feliciano would see that he wanted to be his friend.

"I have a brother too." Ludwig said, maybe this would level the field in Feliciano's mind. Then again he didn't mind talking about his brother. "His name is Gilbert."

"Ve, is he older or younger?" Feliciano asked in earnest.

"He's older than me. He was born about a year and eight months before me." Ludwig said back.

"Ve, my brother is older than me too! Except he's only older by ten minutes, but it still counts!" Ludwig's eyes widened in surprise.

"You're a twin?" Feliciano nodded. It made him wonder what his twin brother was like. Did they act the same? Did they look the same? Was he gay too? He always wondered if a set of twins would both be gay… Again the look of regret passed through his eyes, except it was deeper. Perhaps he missed his brother?

"Well I think my brother is coming tomorrow for the visiting hours." Ludwig said. "You can come with me tomorrow if you want to meet him."

"Really Ludi? That would be fun!" He said with bright eyes, which turned soon mischievous. "Ve, I wonder if your brother has any funny stories about you." Ludwig let out a loud laugh.

"You wish pasta head!" Another unfunny joke, but Feliciano laughed all the same.

Later that evening Ludwig got introduced to more people via Feliciano. It ends up that a group of kids in the Adolescent sector got together on Thursday nights to play card games. Tonight's game was go fish, simple enough for Ludwig. Gathered at the table were many kids, a few of which Ludwig already knew, such as Lili, Toris, and Kiku. There were also a few other people.

One of them was a boy that was even taller than Ludwig himself. He might have been the same age as him, but who could tell with this guy? He had short, straw colored hair and blue eyes that were behind square glasses. All that he could get out of his thick accent was the name "Berwald". Berwald seemed to be incredibly shy, so he might have been here for a social disorder. Then there was a girl of about 16 with long pig-tails and tan skin. She was very thin and probably here because of an eating disorder. She had soft mature voice and her name had been Michelle. The last person was another Asian boy. He had brown eyes and long hair that was kept in a ponytail He might have been Chinese because his name was "Yao Wang" and seemed a tad scared of Ludwig. Maybe it had been because he was a big guy, or perhaps it was because of social or anxiety disorder.

The group had chattered and joked like they were normal teenagers which had surprised Ludwig. It also surprised him by how accepting they were of him. By the end of the first round he was laughing along with them like they've known each other for years. Ludwig would've almost said it was better than the kids at school, but he really couldn't make that comparison since he didn't really know them at all.

They had gotten through four more round of Go Fish before the men in white came and said that they had to go back to their rooms. They put up the cards, said good night, and left to their respective rooms.

"Ve, what do you think Ludi?" Feliciano asked as they walked down the hallway. "Did you have fun?"

"Yeah, I did. Thanks for inviting me Feli," Ludwig had said in response. Feliciano smiled back.

"Ve, it was nothing!" Feliciano chirped. Ludwig shook his head.

"No, it wasn't nothing. It was something," he said. Feliciano just nodded in understanding.

They didn't say much when they had gotten to their room. They brushed their teeth and crawled into the beds (after Ludwig had turned the light out of course). They said their good nights and tried to get to sleep.

Ludwig's mind, however, decided that now would be a good time to wander about. Why did it have to be now that was beginning to make friends? Was he not good enough for people out in the normal world? Were the only people that were ever going to like him be a bunch of skinny girls and depressed people? What would his father say? What would his brother say? Would Gilbert even come tomorrow? Did he think that he was crazy and deserved to be here? Would he be mad at him for the way they departed on Monday? Would he ever want to see him again or was it better that he was gone?

He was snapped out of his inner mental storm by moisture in his eyes and a hand on his cheek. He had looked up to see that Feliciano was sitting on the side of bed wiping the tears that he didn't even know that were there.

"Ve Ludi, it's okay," he cooed while continuing to wipe his face. Ludwig would have probably been embarrassed if he weren't in awe of this sentiment. Feliciano continued to say things to him while Ludwig's breath evened out. He didn't even realize that his breathing pattern had been so screwed up until he was gasping for breath. Feliciano's hands lingered by his face until after he had calmed down and stayed there for even longer.

"You okay now?" Ludwig couldn't manage a proper response, so he opted for nodding instead. Feliciano smiled back. Then to Ludwig's surprise, he had given him a quick kiss on the forehead, before Feliciano scampered off to his bed. Ludwig was glad that it was too dark for anyone to see him blush, and he fell asleep to thought that he'd never wash his forehead again.

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><p>Okay so new characters! I put in Sweden for Forever Wingless, and also because he was orginally a contestant for being in Ludwig's teen group. I put in Seychelles because i wanted to be in another girl and thought that she would be fun. And Canada is there because I just needed someone else. We also get our first mentioning of Lovino, who will come in eventually so dodn't worry about that Lovi lovers. You just need to wait. :)<p> 


	9. Chapter 9

Author's Note: Okay I'm just going to start of with saying this chapter is rated C for Cock. Yeah, this chapter came from a thought in my little head that asked what if the below situation had ever happened. So now you get a healthy helping of cock. :)I'm also eating meatballs filled with cheese as I write this so that just makes it worse! I hope no one get's put off by this.

Thanks for all the reviews and alerts and I don't own anything.

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><p>Ludwig had a dream that night. This was very rare occurrence in itself, and fact that it was so vivid that he could remember it in the morning was even more surprising.<p>

It had been a rather simple dream. It had him and Feliciano, but they weren't at the hospital. They were out in a park or some similar place and it had been autumn. The leaves were all golden and swirled around them in the wind. The yellowed leaves perfectly matched Feliciano eyes and the browned ones had matched his hair and skin tone; it was almost as if the whole scenery had synced up to him. Then he had reached out and held his hand: it had felt very real too. Then he looked at him and gave him a smile that blew the world away. His mouthed opened and closed as if he was speaking, but Ludwig couldn't hear anything. He couldn't hear his voice or the swishing of the leaves in the air or the crunching of the dead grass under his feet. Before Ludwig got a chance to question dream Feliciano he had woke up.

When he had opened his eyes he heard Feliciano rustling around in the background, he had probably just woken up too. Ludwig really didn't feel like getting up. He rolled over like a stubborn teenager; and that's when he felt it. He took a quick peek under the covers and prayed for the impossible.

Lucky him got to wake up with a morning boner. Great.

Ludwig tried to pretend that he was asleep and hoped that Feliciano would ignore him, but he knew better than that. Feliciano woke him up every morning. He could already hear him walking over.

"Ve, Ludi," and there Feliciano was, "It's time to wake up." Feliciano nudged his arm for good measure. Ludwig groaned in response. "Ludi, I know you're awake, I saw you move and open your eyes earlier," Feliciano whined and nudged him again. Ludwig tried to mental prepare himself for what embarrassing fate he may have.

"Okay, fine, I'm awake," Ludwig griped as he opened his eyes to look at Feliciano. He was giving him a smile like in his dream. No, don't think about that, you'll just make yourself worse! Ludwig sat up and tried to keep the covers loose on his lap so that Feliciano couldn't tell. Feliciano had already turned his back to him and had started striping for his shower. Ludwig didn't move from his spot.

"Ve, Ludi, are you coming?" Feliciano had asked, but inside Ludwig had been crying at his situation and how horribly punny that question was. The fact that Feliciano was now naked didn't help.

"Yeah, I'll be in there in a second," he grumbled. Ludwig could feel his face heat up. Feliciano only stared at him.

"Is something wrong Ludi?" Feliciano asked. Hell yes; something was wrong!

"No, I'm fine," Ludwig grumbled even deeper than before. If it got any lower he'd sound like that Swedish boy he met last night. Feliciano didn't believe him and walked over.

"Ludi, your face is all red. Are you sick?" Feliciano asked him. He placed his hand on his forehead to check for the nonexistent fever. Ludwig only blushed deeper. "Ludi, you need to tell me what's wrong, you're not being yourself. If you're sick you need to tell me. Friends tell things." That was a riot coming from him. Ludwig let out an almost growl and pushed Feliciano's hand off of his forehead.

"If you want to know what's wrong, fine then!" Ludwig barked. Against his better judgment, he flipped the bed sheet off of his lap and kicked it down so that it pulled at the end of the bed, thus exposing the lovely tent that was now his pants. Feliciano, who was surprised at the sudden outburst, didn't notice his problem at first. But once he did his eyes got wide and his mouth formed and understanding O.

"Ve, if you just had a stifie you could've just said something." Feliciano said. "If you want I can give you a head start in the showers and just join you after five minutes." He then gave him a pat on the shoulder. "You shouldn't be embarrassed Ludi, boys get morning wood all the time! Ve, I get them too, I'm just up before you so you don't get to see!"

"Idiot, don't say things like that!" Ludwig yelled as he wacked Feliciano with a pillow. Feliciano only laughed at him. He stiffly got up and walked over to the door of the bathroom.

"Ve, Ludi, if anyone should be embarrassed, it's me!" Feliciano chirped out from the bed where he had been sitting. "You're way bigger than I am!" If Ludwig had anything in his hand he would've thrown it at him.

Ludwig couldn't get the shower cold enough to handle his problem. Did they have a cut off so that someone couldn't give themselves hypothermia? So he couldn't get hypothermia and he couldn't get rid of his boner. Delightful. Well, if he had to get rid of it the old fashioned way, he'd better hurry before Feliciano came in.

Hesitantly, he braced himself on the wall with his left hand and reached down for his cock with his right. Slow, steady strokes picked up into faster, sloppier ones as his breath quickened and became shallow. He tried not to think about anyone in particular, he just wanted to get the job done, but Feliciano's face persisted in popping up in his mind. The thoughts at first had been rather innocent; his eyes, his smile, the glow of his skin in the sunlight. However, they soon took a turn for the dirtier thoughts. He thought about how perky his nipples were in the chill of the air-conditioning, how his ass was so round and about the happy trail that led from his navel to his manhood. Then there was the soundtrack of how he would sound if Ludwig were to touch him in all the right places…

With a gasp, moan, and whimper all rolled up into one he came into his and onto the tiled wall of the bathroom. He used some of the hospital issued body wash to scrub his hands clean before going on to the rest of his cleaning routine. As he began to lather the shampoo into his hair Feliciano came in and got in the shower with him. Ludwig could hear the giggles that he was trying so hard to contain.

"Feli, you can laugh if you want. You're only going to hurt yourself if you try to stifle it." Ludwig said. He'd rather not have Feliciano laugh at him, but the sooner they got over this incident the better.

"Ve, I'm not laughing at you Ludi, I was just thinking about how cute your pout was when you got embarrassed." Feliciano giggled. Ludwig growled and turned around.

"I do not pout!" He half yelled, half growled to Feliciano, whom had only laughed louder.

"Whatever you say Ludi, but I was the one that saw your face, ve." He giggled and the two went back to cleaning their hair. This was going to be a long morning.

Their breakfast conversation mostly consisted of Ludwig begging (though he refused to call it begging) to Feliciano to not tell anyone about what had happened. Feliciano said that he wouldn't but he did tell the backstories of the other kids. What if they didn't want Ludwig to know? Then they talked about last night's Go Fish game and proceeded to go to the teen group.

There was no game today but they did have a discussion on feelings and some other mushy nonsense that Ludwig didn't really pay attention to. He probably should have, but his mind was off on whether or not Gilbert would end up coming to his visiting hour today. He wasn't even sure if Gilbert knew about it but he didn't want to call him through a monitored call so he had hoped that the hospital called him instead. He probably could just ask the people up front if he was coming. When the group session was over he bolted down to the front to ask.

There weren't a lot of people around the area so Ludwig didn't feel as embarrassed about this. Why was he so embarrassed anyway?

"Excuse me Ma'am," Ludwig started out to the woman and the desk. When she had looked up at him he noticed immediately the tired eyes and the very fake smile she was giving him. She was worse that a stewardess on a plane.

"Yes, is there something I could help you with?" She asked him in a tone that screamed that she didn't want to speak to someone like him. Ludwig suppressed a cringe and tried to ignore.

"I was just wondering if my family knew about the visiting times or not." Ludwig said. The woman seemed to almost have rolled her eyes but decided against it at the last moment.

"They have received information on that before you arrived to this facility. So yes, they should know. "She responded back in her super fake voice.

"Thank you, Ma'am," he said as polite as possible before rushing off. He made a mental note not to ask her for anything again.

Afterwards he wandered around the halls until it was time for his appointment with Doctor Braginski. So his brother probably knew that he had a visiting hour today. Hopefully he would turn up to see him. Ludwig couldn't help but to feel so guilty. He never really considered his brother in all of this and who knows he feels about it all. Ludwig just hoped for the chance to get to apologize to him.

His appointment with Doctor Braginski had been dull as usual. Well not as dull as he remembered the jokes that Feliciano had made about his nose the other day. Ludwig spent the whole time half-listening and mostly trying not to giggle. He couldn't have been any happier when he got to leave. Then he found Feliciano and they left to go to lunch.

"Ve, did you find out if your brother is coming?" Feliciano asked between bites of pasta. Ludwig shook his head.

"I asked the woman at the front desk if he knew about it. She told me that the families are already well-informed of those types of things." Ludwig groaned and ran a hand through his hair. "By the way, is the woman at the front always kind of bitchy or is just having an off day. I really can't tell with women." Feliciano let out a sharp laugh.

"Ve, she's just always like that." And with that they spent their lunch with jokes and jest.

When they finished up they left to go to the visitor's center. Once they got to the doors of the room Ludwig was filled with anticipation. He had gone rigid and he could feel his palms sweat. Ludwig knew he was stressing unreasonably over this, but he couldn't help it. So many thoughts swirled in his mind, most of which had been negative. Feliciano had seemed to have noticed this, as he reached out to hold his hand and give it a soft squeeze, effectively snapping him back to reality.

"Ludi, calm down, it's going to be fine." Feliciano said in a soothing voice. "Whether he is there or not it's all going to be fine." He said as he gave Ludwig's hand another squeeze before letting it go. Then he pushed open the door and walked in.

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><p>So how was that? I hope I didn't lose anyone. Oh, and I had made a mistake. In Ch 8's end of chapter author note I said that it was Canada in the chapter. That was a lie, it was China in the chapter, but I think you all knew that. I was thinking of Canada and he snuck his way onto the note, damn invisible bastard.<p>

Do I need to place a warning in the story discripition now?


	10. Chapter 10

Author's note: okay, I'm not going to say much, it's late and I stayed up this long to finish it up so that you, the delightful viewer, could get to see this as soon as possible. My makeup's going to look like shit tomorrow.

Okay so thanks to all the alerts and reviews and i still don't own anything. yay me.

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><p>The visitor's room was full of people sitting at round tables talking to each other. At a glance Ludwig could recognize a lot of people he knew. At the table closest to him he could see Kiku and some other boy. He had shaggy brown hair and tanned skin and had a rather relaxed posture. Could this be the boy that Kiku liked? Judging from the traces of a smile on his face and the tinge of pink in his cheeks, Ludwig decided it was probably so.<p>

He also Lili talking to an older boy that looked remarkably similar to her, only his hair had been slightly messier. That must be her "trigger happy" brother. As he moved on into the room he saw Toris talking to a girl with a very loud valley accent. Then he noticed as he passed the flatness of her chest and how her neck had an Adam's apple. As he turned he saw Berwald talking to a much smaller man with blond hair. He seemed to understand him just fine as they chirped back and forth.

After he had passed their table he finally saw his brother. He had been sitting with his elbows on the table and his head propped up on his hands. It took nearly all of his self-control to not run over to him. When Gilbert had finally noticed that Ludwig was there he jumped out of his seat and moved out from behind the table.

"West!" Gilbert yelled as he gave him one of his overpowering hugs. "It's so great to see you man! Have you missed the awesome me?"

"Yeah, I have actually," Ludwig said. Then he turned to Feliciano who was standing behind him. "Gilbert, this is Feliciano. Feliciano, Gilbert."

When Gilbert had noticed Feliciano, Ludwig noted the most curious reaction. A flicker of shock and awe crossed his eyes as he extended out his arm to shake Feliciano's hand. Feliciano noticing this as well hesitantly stuck his hand out. Then the two were smiling like idiots like nothing had just happened.

"Ve, so you're Ludi's brother? I'm his roomie!" Feliciano said in a chirping way as usual. Gilbert smirked at him in his mischievous way.

"Ludi, huh? I think I'll have to use that one, huh West?" Gilbert smirked over at him.

"West, is that your nickname for him? Ve, I don't think I get it," Feliciano said with this oh so adorable confused voice. Gilbert let out his overly loud laugh.

"It's because it's Awesome! That's why. You don't have to understand it for it to still be awesome!" Gilbert laughed. Feliciano started laughing too with a few 'Ve's' popping up occasionally. Ludwig was almost horror struck. Was this really a good idea? If Feliciano ever tagged team with Gilbert it might be the end of him.

"West, how did you get such a cute roomie?" Gilbert asked as he and Feliciano turned their attention back to Ludwig. Gilbert's hands were on Feliciano's shoulders and the two were standing rather close. This bugged Ludwig a lot for some reason, but pushed the feeling down to focus on the present.

"I don't know, maybe because he was assigned to me?" Ludwig deadpanned. He really didn't want Gilbert flirting with Feliciano.

"Ve, technically I got assigned to you, you're the one that took up the extra bed in my room," Feliciano said while taking a few steps back from Gilbert. "Do you want to sit?" Gilbert just nodded and sat down at the table as if he remembered the situation at hand.

"So West, they treating you good here? The place is a little on the white side for my tastes." Gilbert asked while taking side glances at the room around him.

"The place is fine Gilbert, you don't need to worry about it," Ludwig sighed while Gilbert groaned.

"Well I kinda have to worry about it Luds. It's a little concerning when you find your brother passed out in a pool of blood in his room," Gilbert said while suppressing the urge to scream it all out. "Now I only get to see you once a week and the awesome has been worried sick about since I dropped you off on here on Monday. It wouldn't be so bad if this was just the only time, but you had so many scars and who knows how long you've been hurting yourself."

Ludwig could only look down in shame. He half heard Feliciano dismiss himself to give the two some privacy, but he was already so lost in his head that he wasn't paying attention to him or Gilbert. Gott, how fucking stupid could he be? If it weren't enough that he was locked up and Father his father was pissed; now his brother was holding it against him too? If only he weren't so stupid. If only he didn't try to kill himself. If only he had actually died so his brother couldn't worry about him. After all, you can't worry about someone who's dead, right? Long gone in a pine box, everyone would move on and forget him and it all would be dandy.

"I'm sorry, Gilbert, okay," Ludwig said as he tried to hold in his inner turmoil. "I'm sorry I messed up, I'm sorry that you found me and I'm sorry that it didn't work. I know that you think you care but you spend so much time running around with your drinking buddies that I honestly didn't feel the need to damper your mode with my melancholy bullshit. The last thing you need is some dumbass brother of yours to fuck up your day. Okay, I'm sorry I fucked it up then and I'm sorry that I'm fucking it up now."

Gilbert just stared at him stunned. The look didn't last long before he started to fire back at him.

"Well excuse me brother, but in case you haven't noticed I do care about you why would I be here if I wasn't. I'm sorry we don't talk a lot but I try. In case you haven't noticed I have a job and a social life and just well a life in general. That doesn't mean I don't fucking care Ludwig." Gilbert growled. "So what did you want me to do huh? Just let you bled out the floor like you were some fucking animal hit by a car? Is that what you wanted?"

"Yeah, that's exactly what I wanted." Ludwig said as silence passed over the two. "You know I kept thinking that what I did was an accident, but the more I think about it the more I realize that subconsciously, it might have been on purpose. I'm actually almost surprised that I hadn't tried to off myself sooner. Because you know what, if I were gone father wouldn't have to deal with a shit head son, you could run off your buddies and not worry about me and this damn place wouldn't have another stupid teenager to deal with. Everything would be perfect. "

"Is that what you really think?" Gilbert asked him through a hard glare.

"Yeah, that is what I think," Ludwig shot back with an equally fierce glare. Gilbert's face softened as he processed his brother's words.

"Gott, Luds, I don't even…" Gilbert's voice trailed off and Ludwig felt his heart sink like a rock all the way to his stomach. If he hadn't screwed things up enough already, he'd only made things worse now. Stupid, fucking Ludwig… "I don't know how to help you other than hoping the place can sort through your problems, but just remember this Ludwig: I care and I don't think anything would be better off if you were gone. It nearly killed me seeing you like that when you had… how do you think I'd react if you really had died? Don't you realize that it would have destroyed me? And what about your new friend Feliciano? Do you think that he really wouldn't care if you had dropped dead?"

"Feliciano wouldn't care," Ludwig said grimly. "I'm just some guy he's known for barely a week. Why would I matter to him?" Gilbert just shook his head.

"Gott you can be so dense sometimes. I can see it in his eyes, he cares for you. Maybe you should think about that while you're in here." Gilbert said. He then took a glance at his watch and grimaced. "Hey Luds, I gotta go, I need to get to work." Ludwig just nodded and didn't say anything. Gilbert opened his arms for a hug, but Ludwig only half way participated. Just as Gilbert turned to walk off he spun around just as fast as if he had forgotten something.

"Oh Luds, what is Feli's last name?" He asked. Why would he need to know that?

"It's Vargas, why?" Ludwig asked.

"I know his brother. He's dating Antonio, one of the guys I hang out with," Gilbert said solemnly. "Tell him that his brother misses him for me?" Ludwig nodded. "Great, I'll see you next week Luds." And with that his brother walked out the doors and out of his life for at least another week.

So gilbert knew Feli's brother, that's an interesting development. It also answered his gay twins question. But that would sink in for him later. For now he just wanted to get to his room breakdown before anyone had a chance to see him cry.

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><p>Okay, so that's that. Prussia finally showed up again. he was supposed to be in the last chapter but Ludwig's dick decided to steal show. now you tell me faithful viewers; which is more magnificent? The awesomeness of Prussia or the spontenouty that makes up Germany's Dick. Only you can decide.<p> 


	11. Chapter 11

Author's Note: Okay, once again i've stayed up late to finish a chapter. I totally fell asleep at the computer and when my teacher came over to ask if i had a problem I had to wake up just tell him i was sleeping. If he wasn't a teacher i think he might've hit me out of annoyance. haha

Thanks for all the reviews and alerts and I still don't own anything!

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><p>The long walk back to his room had been a blur. All he could think about was all that he had said to Gilbert. He went to see him to apologize, and now he had only made things worse. Just one more thing he screwed up. As soon as he to the room he slammed the door shut and threw himself on the bed. All the tears he had been holding back sunk into the pillow as his bod was wracked with shudders and sobs.<p>

Gott he was so pathetic. The fact that he was now crying like a baby in loony bin spoke loads about how far he had fallen. He couldn't even remember the last time he had acted like this, now it was becoming a common occurrence. How pitiful. And the worst part was how this was just the beginning. He told his brother that he wanted to die and that everything would be better off if he was dead. He had only thought these things to himself but saying them out loud gave them a whole new level, and the feeling had only intensified since then.

It was times like this when he would cut himself. He'd relieve himself of the world and just drift off into another, one where there wasn't anything he had to deal with. Sometimes he wished he could go off into that place and he didn't wish for it any more than now. Of course there wasn't any chance for it now that he was stuck in a danger free environment. So now all he could do was lay there and cry. Cry like the stupid little boy he was. If only someone could shoot him now.

In the background he heard Feliciano come into the room. The door closed with a soft click and light footsteps approached him.

"Berwald told me what happened," Feliciano said softly. "He overheard the conversation and told me when you left. Said he was afraid that you wouldn't be stable."

"I'm fine Feliciano," Ludwig said without even trying to fake a better mood. He couldn't convince himself and he sure wouldn't be able to convince Feliciano either. He already heard him let out a sigh. Feliciano walked further into the room. The mattress creaked as he sat down beside him. He could feel his hands trail up and down his back like a mother would do to a small child.

"You can tell me what happened Ludi," Feliciano said as he rubbed circles in his shoulder blades. "I won't judge you. I just want to help." Ludwig really wanted to tell him. It couldn't hurt to tell him, and it wasn't like he was going to be able to get up with the way Feliciano was rubbing his back. It felt too comforting, like it was dream that would crash and burn at any moment.

"It had been fault I guess. Gilbert was just saying the honest truth, and I just got upset and we just started fighting and I told him how I felt about everything and… I just don't know." Ludwig said. "I told him a lot of things, and I wasn't thinking, as usual, and I had only meant to apologize to him and I just made it all worse."

"What did you tell him Ludi?" Feliciano asked gently, his voice as soft as the touches that lingered on Ludwig's back. "It could help if you got things off your chest. I'm here to listen, and I promise not to yell." He had a good point, and as much as Ludwig disliked telling things about him, he had already spilled everything to Gilbert and Feliciano was just going to make him talk anyway. If this dream was going to take a turn for the worse than he might as well just take the plunge himself.

"I told him that… that I wished that he had never found me, and that I wished that I would've died that night." His voice had the slightest hint of trembling as he spoke. Feliciano's movements paused for a moment before continuing. "I told him everything would be better if I was gone, and the more I think about it the more I agree with. I just think that it would be better for everyone if I was dead."

"That's not true," Feliciano blurted out. "That's not true at all. I don't think anything would be better without." Ludwig chuckled at this sentiment.

"People keep saying that yet I can't seem to believe it," Ludwig sighed. "I just don't know anymore. I just hate myself. I'm stupid, pathetic, I can't stand up to my father, and when I do I just hurt myself because I can't think of anything better. I don't even know why you or anyone else would think that anything would be better with me around. "

In a swift motion that caught Ludwig off guard, Feliciano pulled him by his shirt and flipped him over on the bed. He used one hand to cup his face so that he would face and his other to pin him down by his shoulder. Ludwig was surprised by the look of determination in his eyes.

"Please Ludi, don't think like that! I like having you here. You've been my favorite roomie and who cares what your father thinks. Some people are just dicks and you have to just accept it. But your brother cares and I care."

"Why would you care about me?" Ludwig asked in annoyance. "You don't even know me." Feliciano rolled his eyes and pushed down harder on his shoulder.

"Your name is Ludwig Beilschmidt. You're 18 and you just graduated high school. You have a secret passion for baking that just wants to shine and you like to eat potatoes. You have an older brother named Gilbert that acts like an idiot, but truly cares for you like the little brother you are. You're really shy and I know you hate it; I can see it your face all the time. You think you're stupid but you graduated top of your class and that's something I'll never be able to do. I know that you like boys and you are afraid to admit it. I know you cut and I know that that's been the best thing for you but we both would like it if you could find something else. I know you don't think you're worth anything and it hurts that you can't see how special you are." The intensity in his face lessened as it turned into one of his amazing smiles.

"I know that you're my friend and my roomie and as long as you are I'll care about you. I'll care about you now and I'll care about you when you get out and leave me here. I don't need to know you to care about you but I do Ludi, I really do. I know saying 'cheer up' is not going to do anything, but next time your mind goes into one of those dark corners please remember me?"

Small tears bubbled up in Ludwig's eyes and he bit the inside of his mouth so that he couldn't make a noise. How could anyone say anything like that about him? It didn't make any sense. Yet he felt so touched that it didn't matter if it was a load of bullshit or not.

Feliciano's fingers traced from his side burns down his jaw line as he retracted his hand. Just as Ludwig thought he was going to take off Feliciano yawned and flopped down on the bed next to him.

"Feli, what are you doing?" Ludwig asked with and edge of uncertainty in his voice. Feliciano just giggled.

"I think we should take a nap. I'm tired and I think you just need to snooze and get out of your head for a little while." He rolled over and curled up close to Ludwig's side so that they could both fit on the bed. "Besides, you should know that you're not some repulsive beast, and I know that you think you are so don't even deny it."

Ludwig blushed at the proximity of Feliciano. He's never had anyone so close to him before. What does one do in situations like this? He could feel his breathing on his collarbone and his hair on his arm. He slowly turned over so that he could be more comfortable and so that they could lay face to face.

Ludwig would've asked him about what to do but Feliciano was already asleep. Now Ludwig was supposed to be sleeping too, but he couldn't help but to stare at his face and think about him. Was Feliciano trying to torture him like this? The lingering touches, the flirty comments, the way that Feliciano wasn't afraid to get close to him keep leaving his head spinning. Then there was that huge pep talk he just received. He still didn't want to believe a word he said. He was afraid that this was Feliciano's way of teasing him. He was afraid that this was how Feliciano got himself off in this place and in the end he'd just laugh in his face and call him a freak. As much as he liked Feliciano, and how his feelings kept getting more stronger, he still didn't want to take the chance that this would all fall apart and he'd just end up more hurt in the end.

Ludwig carefully draped his arm over Feliciano's side and he closed his eyes in an attempt to participate in this nap that Feliciano decided that he should take. He didn't feel very sleepy so he just focused on Feliciano's presence. He could feel his breath, his hair, his chest rising and falling and his bony knees on his leg. The longer he focused on him the sooner he drifted off and before Ludwig had even realized it he had fallen asleep. He could've sworn to hearing Feliciano say something in a language he couldn't understand, but he was already gone before he could even consider it.

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><p>Okay, so once again not much has happened, just Feli and Ludi talking. Um I think I've come across a problem or flaw that's going to have to be addressed one way or another.<p>

I don't know how to write a kiss. Amazing I can write (sorta) about Ludwig's woody and jacking off and I could (sorta) write about straight up butt fucking; but I have no clue how to write a kiss. Unfortunatly I fail as a person and have never been kissed by anyone in my teenage years. Never had a romance, or a boyfriend or girlfriend, so i'm kinda stuck in a fail rut. I'm too gross, weird, loud, goth, and fat for anyone so neagh. I don't want to write a kiss like everyone else writes one, but since I don't have any experience in that department I would have no clue what to do. help?


	12. Chapter 12

Author's Note: OMFG! Finally finished! Ugh, this was a bitch. I think I actually have less free time during the holidays this year than I normally do. What's with that? Well I'm so sorry for the long wait! I feel so bad! And the worse part is that the updating may or may not be sporadic depending on how things roll for a while. Well I got you a fucking huge chapter, half of which I wrote today lol! It's just a little over 3,000 words on word, not including the AN's. I hope you enjoy.

Thank you for all the reviews and alerts, and for all the kissing advice i got. LOL! Fantastisch! I still don't own anything either.

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><p>The rest of the evening had passed as it normally had. They went to the cafeteria, ate their dinner, talked for a while and went to bed. Feliciano fell asleep easily and Ludwig was left to think, as he typically did.<p>

The day had been emotionally draining for him. Dealing with Gilbert and Feliciano's efforts in trying to make him feel better had left him only confused. He kept telling himself that Feliciano was only messing with his head and that he would just end up hurt. He also was developing feelings for him that he couldn't deny. It wasn't helping that Feliciano kept using subtly flirting all the time. Well, he hoped it was flirting. Was it flirting? No one had ever bothered with him in that way before. But there was just something that seemed so… well; flirty to him.

He didn't know much about Feliciano. He refused to let him into his head. It was a little frustrating that he couldn't get anything out of him with Feliciano getting upset about it, but there must be a reason for it after all. It pained him that he couldn't help him but he hoped that he would eventually let him in. There were so many questions the boy had brought up. Why did he not let him in? Why did he not want to talk about himself? Why did he try to kill himself? Why would Ludwig be the one to leave him? Was Feliciano to stay here? Why and for how long?

He rolled over and groaned. If he didn't drive himself crazy, Feliciano would for sure. He wished he had the courage to try and act on his feelings, even if his common sense told him otherwise. He shifted and rolled over again as he tried to get some sleep.

It was finally the weekend. No group sessions and no meeting with Doctor Braginski. He could spend the day doing whatever he wanted. Of course that meant hanging out with Feliciano as there wasn't much of anything else to really do. He rolled over to see that Feliciano was still asleep. He was lying on his left side and facing toward Ludwig. His arms were wrapped around his pillow and his face was pressed against it. His arm and his hair covered his face and Ludwig was unable to see any of his features. His chest gently rose and fell and he couldn't help but to wonder what it would be like to have Feliciano cuddle against him like that.

Ludwig sat up and threw his legs over the side of his bed. He stood up and tip toed over to the side of Feliciano's bed. He kneeled on the floor and observed him some more. This would probably be his only time where he could really stare at him and scrutinize his features. One of the first things he noticed was that his eyelashes were actually a dark brown rather than just black like he had always thought they were. He could see very few, and very small freckles on his face that he had never noticed because they were only a slight shade darker than the rest of his skin. He could see that his lips were chapped and partially open. Ludwig could take this as opportunity to do something stupid. Ludwig blushed at the thought. He couldn't ever do something like that. He did however slowly reach up a hand to brush some of the hair out of Feliciano's face. His hair was very soft despite the harsh and cheap hospital shampoo. Just as he was about to pull his hand back Feliciano let out a giggle and opened his eyes.

Shit.

"Ve, so is this awkward moment to tell you I've been awake for the past 20 minutes?" Feliciano asked with a coy smile. Ludwig's face flushed and his body froze in its position. Oh mein Gott! He had never felt so mortified in his entire life. This was beyond embarrassing. He was there acting like a fucking creeper to a friend he thought was asleep and fact that his friend was well aware of his actions just made it worse!

"Feli! I'm so sorry. I was just…" Ludwig's voice trailed off. What kind of excuse does one have for this? There really wasn't a plausible one so he had nothing to say. Feliciano just laughed as he sat up in his bed. He reached over and mussed up his hair

"Ve, its fine. Between your boner and me sleeping in your bed this is hardly that strange," Feliciano chirped as he tried to reassure Ludwig. It didn't make him feel any better though. Feliciano got up off his bed and walked over to the bathroom door. He pulled his shirt over his head and tossed it away. "I'm getting in the shower. You coming?" He gave him a smile as he said this, a different smile than the one that Ludwig was used to. It looked…devious? Was that the word?

"Uh, yeah, in a minute," Ludwig replied. Feliciano just giggled as he walked through the door. A few seconds later he threw his pants and underwear out the door to join the shirt on the floor. Ludwig felt himself blush heavily. He had to be doing this on purpose; there was no way around that. However he still couldn't decide on whether or not Feliciano was just trying to play him or not.

He heard the shower turn on and figured that it would be best for him to just go in and shower. He took his shirt off and folded it before doing the same with his bottoms and underwear. As he walked through the door to the bathroom, he thankfully noted that Feliciano was turned away from him, as usual. Ludwig thought he'd be over something as silly as this by now, but evidently he wasn't. Feliciano was lathering shampoo through his hair and humming softly over the sound of the shower water. It wasn't a song that Ludwig was familiar with, but then again he didn't know much past what his brother and the other kids at school would sing or play.

Ludwig turned his shower on to as warm as it would get before lathering in his shampoo. He was glad that he wouldn't have to do much today, other than figuring out how to spend it. It seemed that he would just end up playing puppy dog and following him around like he figured earlier, but then again Feliciano could just run off somewhere like he occasionally did. He had to figure that out too and put it on his list of things he knew about Feli. His thoughts however were cut off by the feeling of two hands on his back.

"Ve, you need me to wash your back Ludi?" Feliciano asked in a soft yet cheery voice. He was doing it again… Why does he feel the need to do this to him?

"I think I can get it myself but if you feel the need to then you can," Ludwig answered. Of course that doesn't mean it would be any less uncomfortable for him, but Feliciano didn't need to know that, he would just get his way anyway. Feliciano's hands disappeared off of his back and for a moment he thought that he had backed off, but then they returned with a soapy rag that slid down his back.

First he went in circular motions on his shoulder blades before moving in on the center. Ludwig thought he would stop there, but then he dragged it down it the curve of his spine. Gott, he was a sadist. He could feel the blood in his face rise and his fists slowly clench in a mixture of anxiety and anticipation. He wasn't going to be able to take any more of this. Just as soon as he thought he would burst Feliciano pulled away.

"Ve, you're all clean now!" he chirped as if he were talking to some puppy or baby. Did he not even realize how sensual something like that was for him? He had to didn't he? Ludwig didn't say anything in response, he couldn't think of anything to say to him. Feliciano started to hum again and the rest of the shower was spent with only that to accompany them.

After the shower they dried off and put on their clothes as usual before heading down to the cafeteria. They got there breakfast and their medicine as usual. The silence that was between them wasn't however. Ludwig poked his eggs as Feliciano took few bites of his toast. He decided it would be best to break the ice between him and the Italian.

"So what do you usually do on Saturdays?" he asked. Feliciano looked up and smiled.

"Well, usually I just eat and walk around and talk to some of the people I see. After lunch I go do my thing then I just wander around again." Feliciano said. "There isn't much to do actually." Ludwig nodded in response.

"Yeah, I kinda realized that earlier, after I got excited that I wouldn't be stuck with Doctor Big Nose for an hour," Ludwig said with a smirk. He kinda felt bad that Doctor Braginski had become the butt of their jokes, but it was always worth it to see Feliciano smile when he said it.

"Ve, he does get a little tiring after a while. But at least you will only have him for twice a week for the rest of your time here," Feliciano said back, "What is it now? One month and 3 weeks now?" Ludwig nodded.

"I've been here for less than a week, yet it feels like I've been here for much longer. Time does fly for the idle doesn't it?" He said. Ludwig took a bite of the eggs that he had been poking for the past three minutes. They tasted horrible. He swallowed them uncomfortably and went back for a second bite. The sooner he finished the sooner he could get out of here.

The rest of the meal was spent with some babble about some random topic. Todays had been Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles oddly enough. Why Feliciano felt the need to discuss it was beyond him but he ran with it. Ludwig did vaguely remember boys playing with the actions figures when he was younger, but he never got to indulge in such treats. His father had already put him on his preplanned course for success and playing with pizza eating amphibians wasn't on the plan. Of course that didn't stop him from playing the games with the other children during recess at school. Raphael is still his favorite.

When they finished they tossed away their Styrofoam trays and headed out the doors to wander around. They walked around in circles continuing their Ninja Turtle conversation before turning it to Scooby Doo. Another cartoon he wasn't very familiar with but had heard of from other children.

"Ve, I still can't believe you weren't allowed to watch cartoons as a kid," Feliciano said. Ludwig shrugged.

"I could watch them if I could manage not to get caught, but whenever I did manage to get the TV to show cartoons it would always be the horrid ones. Like Spongebob or the Powerpuff Girls."

"Ve, I love the Powerpuff Girls!" Feliciano exclaimed in disbelief. "How could you not like them?"

"Why would I like an annoying cartoon about a group of overhyped little girls made from chemicals? It was ridiculus! Isn't that cartoon for girls anyway?" Feliciano just shook his head.

"A good cartoon is for everyone Ludi! You had a deprived childhood indeed." Feliciano patted his back in a sympathetic yet comically sort of way. Somehow they had managed to burn a five hours wandering around and talking. How they did this was beyond Ludwig, but he figured since he easily went into his own head for long periods of time without realizing it that he could do the same outside of it. They had their lunch which was oh so gourmet as usual. They talked and joked as usual until the food was gone.

"Ve, I gotta go run off now, I'll see you later Ludi!" He chirped before turning and running off. Now what was Ludwig supposed to do? He tossed his tray and went out the door in a sulky manner that he would have denied. He supposed that he could update his Feliciano list, but he didn't have a pen or pencil. He'd have to go back to craft room and Ludwig didn't feel particularly in the mood for that. He could just walk around in circles and see if he can get a reaction out of the men in white. Why must he be so bored without Feliciano? This couldn't feel natural. He felt like one of those girls in his classes that complained when they didn't get texted back. He needed to confront him about his flirtatious behavior too. He didn't even get why he would act this way towards him.

There were still many things about him he didn't understand. He kept asking questions to himself, but never to Feliciano. He was being very unproactive in all this so he couldn't really complain. Why didn't he bother to ask questions anyway? Was it fear of upsetting him or fear that he would refuse to open up? There was something he said last night too. It had been subtle but he had mentioned that Ludwig would be the one to leave him. There was something about the way he had said it that made him uncomfortable. It was almost haunting and it chilled him. Of course he would get out, but wouldn't Feliciano eventually get out too? Was there something wrong with him that he would be committed forever? How long has he even been here to begin with? Once again Ludwig just left with the feeling of powerlessness.

"Ano, Ludwig-San," Kiku asked him. Ludwig nearly jumped out of his skin. Where the hell had he come from? "Ah, I didn't mean to startle you."

"It's fine," Ludwig said. Kiku nodded softly. "Um, what's up?" Ludwig never thought he would live to see the day he would say 'What's up?'

"I just noticed that Feliciano had left you," Kiku started. Ludwig perked up at this. Did he know something that he didn't know?

"Yes, he did. Do you know where he is?" Ludwig asked. Kiku nodded softly.

"Do you not know?" Ludwig shook his head. "Usually I would just mind my own business, but you are, how do I put this, different? He is also you're roommate so I figure this would be good information. I think just this one time I'll meddle. Look in the craft room. Whenever he runs off to 'do that thing' that's where he is." Ludwig nearly ran off as soon as he found out.

"Thank you for the information," he said before starting to walk off. Kiku nodded and turned to walk away as well. Why hadn't he even thought of it before? He had been to the craft room once, why had he never checked it again. Why hadn't he even checked anywhere? Where was the logic Ludwig? You're losing your common sense! Dummkopf!

When he finally got to the room he could see various people sitting at the table color pictures or writing. However Feliciano wasn't at a table. He was in the corner standing in front of a canvas on an easel. His back was to him and he had a view of the painting. There were a lot of deep blues and a few spots of yellow. All he could see were splotches at a distance, but there was something familiar about the style. He walked across the room and slowly approached Feliciano from behind. He was holding his pallet in one hand and a round, quarter inch brush in his right. The work was clearly far finished, but the way the brush strokes looked and the way he used the colors he had made him think back to the other painting in the building. Is he…?

"If you were running off to be here you could've told me," Ludwig said bluntly. Feliciano loudly sucked in his breath then turned around to see Ludwig.

"Ve, Ludi, what are you doing here?" Feliciano asked with a nervous giggle.

"Kiku told me that you usually are in here," Ludwig deadpanned.

"He did?" Feliciano asked. He didn't seem very happy about this at all.

"I don't really understand what the matter with this is. Is this supposed to be a secret?" Ludwig asked him. Feliciano shook his head.

"Ve, kinda. I usually don't want people to find out about this sort of thing so quickly." Feliciano said softly. "It's not you, it's just a thing."

"You mean the thing where you try to avoid saying anything about yourself at all unless necessary?" Ludwig deadpanned again. Feliciano looked absolutely mortified.

"Perhaps, but really it's just better when you don't know much about me. I think I seem like a much more pleasant person that way." Feliciano stated in a face so straight it could break hearts. "You'd probably be better off just leaving things the way they are and just move on."

"What if I said that want to know everything about you?" Ludwig blurted out. Feliciano gave him a surprised look before letting out a laugh.

"Then I would say that you were being a fool," Feliciano said back with one of the saddest smiles Ludwig had ever seen.

"I'm fine with being a fool," Ludwig said. "I already am whether I know you or not. But I would rather be a bigger fool and know you than not know you at all."

That was when the tears streamed down his face, and it was the moment that Ludwig would wipe them away like Feliciano had done for him. He would indeed rather be a fool, and he was determined to be so no matter what.

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><p>So yeah, more UST and junk. We get to see a little more of Feliciano. Maybe a little more than I had intended but what are you going to do? And Kiku actually got a few lines! yay good for him. I don't really know what to say. I will point out how i thought it was funny that for Ch11 everyone kept pointing out about Feliciano saying that Ludwig was going to leave him when I totally wanted it be subtle! I guess my writing isn't very subtle is it. oh well. What can you do?<p> 


	13. Chapter 13

Author's Note: sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry so so sorry for such a long update. I feel soooo bad that I haven't and I'm really sorry for the wait. Everytime I tried to write I either couldn't think of anything, got distracted by tumblur, or my parents needed me to do something. And the one time I did manage to write anything I made a shitty one-shot. If you're into angst and shit you might like it but its pretty bad. Its actually pretty cracky in its own weird way. But yeah I'm a douchebag, this chapter is late, and its not alot but I tried.

Thanks to all that have reviewed, favorited, and alerted. I still don't own anything.

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><p>After Feliciano had calmed down and stopped his crying he turned back to the painting he was working on. Since they were still kind of on the topic, Ludwig figured he could ask his question.<p>

"Are you the artist that made the other paintings?" Ludwig asked him. "The work is quite similar, and I was just wondering if they were made by you too." Feliciano nodded.

"Yes," He said. "Everything that I have painted during my stay here hangs in various places in the building."

"I still don't understand why you feel the need to be so secretive," Ludwig stated. Now would be a good time to try to see what he can get out of Feliciano. He wasn't a lucky man though, and knowing Feliciano's nature this would go south easily. "I know you explained it but…"

"But nothing, Ludi!" Feliciano snapped in an uncharacteristic way. "Just leave it be. Just trust me when I say you're better off not knowing me. It was easier for everyone else and it will be easier for you." Didn't they just go over this? The only difference this time was that Feliciano was pissed rather than sad like he was a few minutes ago. Ludwig would recall later on how cute his angry face was, but in the moment he didn't have time to be distracted by it.

"Is it easier for you?" Ludwig asked back. Feliciano's eyes widened slightly in shock before they narrowed again.

"That doesn't matter," Feliciano shot back him. Ludwig made a grunt out of disapproval before responding back to him.

"Well of course it matters. Why should you be the one that's miserable? Why should you have to make it 'easier' for everyone else? If I should care about myself then shouldn't you?" Feliciano didn't say anything back. He turned his back to Ludwig and began to paint again. He dipped his brush back into the blues and resumed in filling out the background. Ludwig anchored his feet, refusing to leave until he got a response.

"You're different from me," Feliciano finally said after a few minutes of silence. That's not what he wanted to hear.

"That's bullshit and you know it." Feliciano merely shrugged his shoulders in response.

"It is what it is Ludi," Feliciano said back to him. He put his paintbrush down and turned around again. His flawless smile was back on his face, flawless except for the fact that Ludwig could see through it. "You can say what you want to say but you should worry more about yourself. I'm not going anywhere; you are. You really should just worry about yourself Ludi."

Ludwig let out yet another sigh. Maybe now was too sudden for trying this… whatever this was. He really thought that he almost had him too. He certainly wasn't going to get Feliciano to budge now. He supposed it was best to back off now and try again later.

"Ve, Ludi, do you mind if you go now?" Feliciano asked with the typical chirp in his voice. "I'll see you for dinner, but for now I think I'd rather be alone."

Yes, he minded, but he wouldn't say that. He nodded his head despite how much it pained him to do so.

"Ja, I can do that." And with that he turned to leave without another word.

He walked around in circles for a while hoping to gather his thoughts, but it just made him more frustrated. Should he just worry about himself? Should he really let himself get worked up over some boy? And what did he mean by that he was going somewhere? Why wasn't Feliciano going anywhere? Did he mean he was going somewhere in life, or was it literal means in that he was going to leave as in his leaving in two months.

Ludwig wasn't used to caring about anyone other than his father and his brother. Gilbert was a constant source of worry though he hadn't done anything horribly major yet. _Yet. _But this kind of worry was new for him. As much as his head was saying that this was nonsensical, pointless, and detrimental to him, he couldn't help but to feel so much when he was around Feliciano. And no the boy he was caring so much for was no telling him not to care… he didn't know what to think. Of course the logical conclusion was that he should just ignore that and care anyway, but he had to overthink everything now didn't he?

"Ludwig-San?" Where the fuck did he come from? Ludwig looked over to the left to see Kiku, who once again had managed to surprise him for the second time that day. He would be perfect for one of those horror movies that that obnoxious boy in his class would spout about (what was his name again, Alfred? Why does this matter anyway?).

"Hi Kiku," Ludwig grumbled. Kiku merely looked at him with the same stoic face.

"I take it that things didn't go over so well with Feliciano?" Of course Kiku could tell, mind-reading ninja robot… Ludwig shook his head.

"Nein, it started out fine, but then he got angry. He started off by saying that I shouldn't bother with him, but he was calm. Then he started crying, then he got mad at me and told me to worry more about myself than him." Ludwig placed his hand on his forehead and massaged his temples. It's not like that actually helped with anything but he liked to think that it did. Kiku didn't say anything, he just watched him with calculated eyes. "I wish I knew what went on in his head, I want to help him, but I'm really not in the state to help anyone. I still wish that I could though…" He gave a side glance over to Kiku. "Is there anything you can tell me to help him out? I only want to help and anything you can tell me will be greatly appreciated."

Kiku let out sigh, "Feliciano will have my head for this later, but I've grown to care about him too during my stay here." He went silent for a few moments as he tried to arrange all the facts in his head. "He was here long before any of the current group came here. I have no clue how long he has been in this facility, he refuses to tell anyone. He tries to keep as much information as he can to himself, when he slips up on anything he freaks out though he hates to show it." Kiku paused and made what Ludwig assumed was a small smile. "Nowadays I've seen that he has frequently made that face that he makes whenever he slips up in information, because you've been hanging out with him. I think that you scare him because he gets too comfortable with you. As nice as he is, he tries to keep most of us at an arms-length."

Strange that he would say that when Feliciano had been flirting with him nonstop. What did that mean? He doesn't want to get too comfortable with him yet he wouldn't mind getting in his pants.

"So say if he has been… er… flirty, would that be out of character for him?" Kiku gave him a strange look.

"He hasn't flirted with any other patients that I know of if that's what you mean. I wouldn't think that it would be out of character though. Perhaps he just holds you in a higher regard? Or maybe he just likes you." Ludwig nodded as he listened to him. He wasn't sure how that made much sense but he figured it would be best not to interject yet. "Ludwig-San, you have to understand that he's here for a reason. He has problems like many of us here do, like you and me. If he like you you'll know, but he isn't going to be the most easy to understand. I think that he really wants to like you, but something deep down is holding him back, fear of whatever is holding him back." His face softened and he gave a gentle smile. "Don't worry, you really care for him and it shows, just give him time and he'll open up to you. You may get to learn more about the ever exclusive Feliciano than the rest of us will ever know."

"I see," Ludwig said in response as he tried to absorb the information. "Is there anything else you can tell me?" Kiku's face darkened and his mouth pulled into a grim line.

"There was an incident; it happened about three weeks after I arrived here. Feliciano got dismissed from the hospital." What…"He was only gone for a week and a half before he came back and was reassigned to stay here. He never gave an explanation and he acts like it never happened. The conclusion that most of us came to was that he tried to kill himself again after dismissal only to be saved and brought back."

Ludwig felt his core go cold. His fists tightened and his heart sped up if only slightly. He did not want to accept that. He didn't want to believe it, but he knew it was true. He knew something with dreadfully wrong with Feliciano and he knew it would be this bad. It still scared the living shit out of him that someone he cared about was at a level like that, which scared him even more when he thought about how scared it made him. He was really attached to this guy…

"Is that the only time it's happened?" Ludwig asked with a grim voice.

"The only time I've seen, though he could've done it before, no one knows. The only people who know all the on the paper facts are the doctors and we don't get anything from them, patient confidentiality you see…"

"Well, it's not like we can talk anyway," Ludwig said with a dark chuckle. "We're both offenders of the same thing."

"Well that's all I can tell you that would help you," Kiku said. Ludwig made a grumble that was supposed to be yes, but it had ended up lost in his throat.

"Ja, thanks for the help," he gave a side glance over to Kiku again. "Feliciano told be your backstory, by the way. I hope you're getting better too. " Kiku blushed and mumbled something in Japanese that he didn't really understand. "I saw that guy you were with the other day, is he your boyfriend or something?" Kiku blushed even deeper.

"Hai, that's Heracles," he said softly while he twiddled his fingers. Ludwig had to admit that it was kinda cute.

"Well, he seemed like a nice guy. I hope you two are happy together," Ludwig said to him.

"Ah, yes, thank you," he then said something in Japanese which he figured was a salutation as he scurried off after he said it. It was only after twenty of seconds of being alone did everything hit him once again.

If there was a question about it before, then it was definitely gone now. He was going to help Feliciano no matter what. It may be an impossible goal, but he didn't care. All he cared about was making sure that every smile he made was a pure one, not just something he did for whatever reasons he had. He probably should be worrying about his own sense of self-worth and what not, but now it just didn't seem to matter. All that mattered was him.

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><p>So yeah, more Kiku and more Feli info, still a little vague, or maybe not. I'm not a stubtle person unfortunately. Also Feliciano does not have MPD (multiple personality disorder). Alot of people have been mentioning it, and i hate to shoot ya down but that's not what Feli has. I might cameo Korea and give that to him though... have him be a conflicting north and south personalities?<p>

personal note: I found out my prom is going to be in March. For the longest time I said I wouldn't go but I changed my mind because I want to go in a Tux. My dad's on board I just have to check with my school, (its west Texas so you never know).

I hope to get a next chapter up soon but I can't make promises. Sorry again for lateness.


	14. Chapter 14

Author's Note: Um, yeah... Long time, no update? Hopefully this shitty AN can explain what happened or whatever...

Well I guess real life got in the way. A lot of silly shit comes up in your second semester of being a senior. I really did want to update, but i was stuck and I didn't know what to say, and I was distracting and other reasons... I really don't like to write when I'm "moody" so to speak. I want this to be a real story. This story isn't about me, its about Ludwig and Feliciano. Honestly this story is crap and the only reason I'm bothering with it is because you people seem to care and I should start what i finished. Treat readers how you want to be treated so to speak. this chapter is really short and I apoligize for that. Its short because I want to make an update before i lost the will to try again. So here's your shitty chapter. Enjoy.

Thank you to all my favoriter's, alerters, and reviewers. I don't own Hetalia, lucky you.

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><p>Ludwig didn't see Feliciano again until dinnertime. He went back to his room to wait it out as he usually did, and unfortunately for him that meant that he was once again consumed by his thoughts. Although it wasn't as bad as usual, as most of his thoughts revolved around Feliciano.<p>

Were they not in the same boat? Are they not here for the same thing? They had both cut, both felt worthless, both try to please others, both had been (and probably still are) suicidal. Why wouldn't Feliciano acknowledge this? Did he feel worse off than Ludwig did? Did he feel as if he isn't worth the effort? That would probably make sense considering the last conversation they had.

"…_you're better off not knowing me_…"

How could he even know if that was true or not if Feliciano wouldn't explain why? He said to trust him, but when you're in a place like this it's because they don't trust you and for good reasons. What Kiku had told him didn't help to ease his mind either. So Feliciano had made more than one suicide attempt? How many and why? Would he try again if he got rereleased? Gott, he hoped that he wouldn't. Is that what he needs to tell Feliciano?

Ludwig groaned as he passed through the door of his room. With heavy footsteps he walked over to the small bed and flopped down in a manner that even he felt was a little uncharacteristic of him. The mental exhaustion of trying to figure everything out only led to a feeling of physical tiredness and energy depletion. If only he could sleep everything off; just rest for a few weeks or a few years and try again later. In the back of his mind he knew putting off his problems would be a bad idea, but now he just wanted to sleep.

Dinner wouldn't be for a few hours, so perhaps a short nap wouldn't hurt? It's not like he had anything better to do. He wouldn't know anyone else to talk to other than Kiku and Feliciano, and both were probably busy. He also didn't know what to say to the other kids in the juvenile sector. It had been fun on game night, but would he say to them now? Weren't they only nice because Feliciano had been there? They were probably busy too. He was the only one that seemed to have nothing going on. All he did was eat, sleep, and follow Feliciano around if he permitted him to do so.

He was acting like a dog.

A lost puppy even… What would his father say to such behavior? More importantly, what did he think?

Ludwig rolled over and pressed his face firmly into the pillow. Now wasn't the time to think about such, he didn't need to get himself worked up. Not now… he just needed to relax. He just needed to sleep…

Ludwig rolled over once, then back again. What happened to the lack of energy he had before? One moment he could sleep for a decade and the next he's wide awake? Is this a side-effect of the medication he Is taking, or of just his depression in general?

Gott, how he hated that word. He hated saying it and he hated the fact that it applied to him. It made Ludwig feel like a weak-minded fool. Like some sort of self-centered child pouting over nothing. The fact that he made the stupid decision to take it out on himself made it even worse. When someone thought of a cutter they thougt of some skinny, pale girl with too much eyeliner crying over having no friends or boyfriend. They didn't think of people like him. They didn't think of people like Feliciano.

Hell, if Ludwig would have passed him by one the street he probably would have given him a second thought. He didn't seem like he would have any sort of drastic problem. Then again, isn't it always the ones you don't expect? But that just leads straight back to the example of himself…

The mystery behind his roommate was going to drive him crazy. Feliciano was going to… is going to drive him crazy! He is already mad enough as it is, but then he had to get Feliciano as a roommate. It's not fair to be slightly resentful of him and his secretive ways, but it wasn't fair of Feliciano to treat him in his yo-yo ways. One minute he's flirty, and then he wants him to back off. Then he wants to wash his back, yet goes nuts over him knowing that he paints. By the time he'd figure him out Ludwig would be discharged from the facility to potentially never see him again if what he claims is true about never leaving.

Right now he didn't know what was worse: Feliciano's behavior, his infatuation with Feliciano, or his ever increasing need to slice open his arm with the blade he doesn't have.

Everything is much too hectic, he needs to get out of his head, and that was still the only way he knew how. Except he couldn't…

…Or could he?

He couldn't hurt himself in the traditional manner he was fond of, so perhaps another way. Perhaps he could bite himself? Just bite until it hurt too much or bled, though it would lead to noticeable teeth marks on his hand and arms. Were his nails long enough to scratch himself with? Ludwig brought his hand up for closer inspection. They weren't quite long, but it wouldn't hurt to try. He couldn't do it on his arms though for obvious reasons. So where?

Without thinking about it, Ludwig's hands slowly made their way down to his thighs. He could do it here: no one would see, except for Feliciano but he could just make something up. With his goal in mind he got up from off the bed and walked into the bathroom, just in case someone arrived unexpectedly. He pushed down the hospital issued pants and sat atop the toilet. He grasped the underside of his thighs and dug his nails in as hard as he could into them.

Is this the wrong thing to do? Should he stop now? Isn't he here to get better, not succumb to worse behavior? Ludwig shook his head and let a bitter smirk climb on his face.

"I can get better latter, I need this now," he said to himself. With this he dug his nails in harder and began to drag them up.

He pulled up a slowly as he could, taking in the pain and relief that he was causing himself. His fingernails were much sharper and caused for pain than he thought they would bring. Albeit they weren't as good as his knife, they still gave him the relief he was looking for. When he reached his hips he went back down and drug them back up again. And again. And again. And again until his thighs were pink, red, and white from the damage he had done.

When Ludwig had come out of the daze and somewhat afterglow of his episode he noticed the change of colors that came in through the window in the adjacent room. It was time to go to dinner and face Feliciano. With this in mind he hesitantly pulled his pants back up and left the room. He had to go face life again.

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><p>There you go, I gave you a fair warning. The whole "depressiondepressed" dealy is kinda my personal opinion (it snuck in, sorry). I hate using it, and refuse to use it when relating to myself. I'll just use "angsty", "moody", "whiny", "overdramatic", and even "emo". Hopefully the whole scratching thing is realistic enough. God knows I was scratching my own legs enough trying to figure out how to write about it. I hope this wasn't too dissappointing! By for now!


	15. Chapter 15

AN: Hey, here's another chapter! I'm sorry this took so long, but between real life and my other fic, I really didn't have the time to work, much less think about what was going on in this story.

**Important note one**: remember when I said that Feli didn't have a real issue, other than depression, well I lied. I found out about another personality disorder, that I not only think that I have, but I also accidently wrote Italy with as well. Since it fits I'm going to run with it, and this chapter is going to enhance one factor of it.

**Important note two**: This chapter is rated M. It may seem too soon, but it has its purpose story wise. I wouldn't have put it in if it didn't. This is the factor that goes with Italy's disorder. I'll put more about it at the end.

**Important note three**: I will not abandon this fic. I will not leave you hanging. I will finish it. If I do, I would tell you, I would never keep you guessing.

This chapter is a little different to say the least. It is probably the weakest chapter. I'm a little frightned actually. I hope I won't dissappoint you.

Thank you for all the reviews, alerts and favorites. I own nothing!

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><p>As Ludwig walked through the doors of the cafeteria, he noticed that Feliciano wasn't sitting at their usual table. After looking around, he noticed that he was talking to Kiku. Even as far away as he was, he could tell that Feliciano was not happy with him. He was probably grilling poor Kiku over the information he gave him earlier. He'll need to apologize to him later, that is for sure. Feliciano glanced past Kiku's head and saw Ludwig standing at the door. Kiku turned around to look as well, but snapped back as Feliciano told him something else and walked off.<p>

It was almost amazing to see Feliciano's angry face seamless transform itself into a sweet smile. By the time he reached Ludwig he almost couldn't tell that he had just been off his rocker only a minute ago. He looped his arm around Ludwig's and led him to the direction of the food line.

"Ve, Ludi, what took you so long?" he asked sweetly. "Dinner started twenty minutes ago!" Ludwig shrugged.

"I was just a little out of it," he said. It's not like he was going to tell him what he was actually doing. He didn't even want to imagine what his reaction would be. It could be anything, but Ludwig didn't feel the need to find out. Feliciano gave him a suspicious glance, but dropped it in favor of a grin.

"You need to get out of your head Ludi. If you spend any more time sitting around and thinking people will mistake you for a statue or something!" Feliciano's hands jumped up into the air as he began to animate. "Can you imagine being a statue? I can only see it as being terrible; you can't move, you can't speak, and birds poop on you all day!"

"I can honestly say that I've never imagined being a statue," Ludwig said back as they began to fill their dinner trays with food. Tonight's meal was chicken, mashed potatoes, and a vegetable mixture. It was unappetizing as before, this is a hospital not restaurant of course, but he still couldn't help but to long for something better.

"You need to have an imagination," Feliciano scolded. "How can you not have one?" The two had excited the line and sat down at their usual table. Ludwig grumbled in distaste at this notion.

"I've survived just fine haven't I?" He asked. Feliciano just stared with wide eyes. Now that he thought about it, that probably was a stupid thing to say. "Well, other than all this…"

"I think you do have an imagination, you just don't want to admit," Feliciano said as he took a spoonful of potatoes. "I mean, what do you think about when you whack it? Math equations?"

"That's none of your business!" Ludwig growled back with a blush. Feliciano had just laughed as he usually does.

"Why? Because you do imagine equations? I can't see how x squared is sexy but if that's what you are into…" Feliciano's voice trailed off and he gave Ludwig a teasing smirk.

"One, that's not what I'm into, its x cubed that's the sexy one," He didn't really feel the need to say a joke, but it might get him out of this easier. Feliciano seemed amused enough though. "Two, I can imagine…things…when it comes to 'that'."

"Really?" Feliciano rose and eyebrow at the suggestion.

"Yes, really." Ludwig said back unamused.

"Prove it!"

What?

"Es tut mir leid, but what?" Ludwig let out baffled.

"You heard me," Feliciano said with playful giggle. That still didn't make any sense. Is this just another attempt by Feliciano to get into his pants? Would he mind it if it was?

Maybe, but Feliciano doesn't know that. Maybe he could try to beat him at his own game? He probably isn't expecting him to give in…

A little reverse psychology never hurt anyone did it?

"Fine," Ludwig said, feigning an angry gruff. Feliciano looked up surprised.

"Really?" he asked?

"Really," Ludwig responded back. "How do you want me to prove it?" Feliciano just shrugged.

"I don't know, I just kinda blurted it out," Feliciano said with his hands moving with his words once again. "I didn't really think it through… I guess you can by proving that something can arouse you?"

"Like what?" They locked eyes for a moment, and the both knew.

The two spent the next five minutes not saying a word as they tried to finish their dinner as fast as possible.

XxXxXxXxX

It is now 10:00, and just about everyone is in their rooms asleep for the night. Everyone that is, except for Feliciano and Ludwig. They were sitting on the latter's bed looking at each other awkwardly. More so in that Ludwig didn't believe he was about to go through with this and Feliciano agreeing with this notion.

"Won't this change things?" Ludwig asked.

"It doesn't have to if you don't want it to," Feliciano said in a slightly more sultry voice. He moved completely onto the mattress and shifted onto his knees to face Ludwig better. With both hands he reached out to touch Ludwig's face. "Don't worry; I won't do anything too bad." He then snuck his left hand around to the back of his neck, and pulled him forward to meet him in a kiss.

Ludwig had no idea what to do. He hasn't kissed anyone before, and he was too shocked to try anything. Feliciano seemed to notice this and pulled back.

"Es tut mir-"

"Shush," Feliciano said. "You need to relax. Just do what you think you need to…" Feliciano then leaned forward again and reconnected their mouths.

Ludwig tried, he did move his mouth like Feliciano was. If he had to describe what he was doing he would have no words. It was all just instinct now. It was going fine until Feliciano felt the need to take it further and began to introduce tongue. It was really… good? Is good the word he should use. He had no other experience to compare with. He supposed Feliciano was a good kisser, which only made him feel guilty about not knowing what to do. But then again wasn't it Feliciano's fault this was happening? If he wasn't happy with his performance he could only blame himself.

Then Feliciano pulled what Ludwig could only call a 'combo attack' (something he heard from Gilbert's video games) as not only did he nibble on his bottom lip, he also pushed him down onto the bed then crawled on top of him. Ludwig could now feel the pronounced lump that was in Feliciano's pants, which was pressed against his inner left thigh, and he had barely begun to get hard! However he got a feeling that would be changing as his kisses left his mouth and began to trail down onto his neck. Not wanting to feel completely useless, Ludwig placed his hands on Feliciano's hips and raised his leg against his crotch. He heard his breath hitch at this and he pressed harder.

To try to excite him further, Feliciano steadied himself by placing his right hand on Ludwig's left pectoral while his other hand crawled lower to push his shirt up. He moved to sit on his waist so he was left with the ability to pull his shirt over and off of him, and it was subsequently tossed to the floor. He then repositioned himself so he could kiss and bite one of Ludwig's nipples while rubbing and squeezing the other.

Ludwig gasped, and tried not to seem to have enjoyed that as much as he did, but he could already feel the blood rushing to his crotch and Feliciano already noticed.

"Is that what turns you on Ludwig?" He asked in a voice that was slightly deeper than it normal was. Ludwig also noted how his eyes looked different, as though they were full of desire. At this point Ludwig didn't think he'd be able to stop this even if he wanted to. He wasn't even sure if he wanted to stop. A rational part of him knew that this was a bad idea. Did he really want to lose his virginity in a hospital? But right now, it felt too good to stop. Ludwig didn't say anything. He did however change position, he sat up and moved Feliciano into his lap so that he could kiss and abuse his neck the way he had earlier.

He tried to slide off Feliciano's shirt whilst they did this, but he was rather resistant. After redirecting the kisses back to his mouth he was able to distract him long enough to pull it off. After joining the other shirt on the floor, Ludwig could see why he didn't want to take it off. His chest and stomach were full of scars similar to ones on his arm. Some were short, some were long, but all were faded and old. There were so many as well. He had either started cutting long before then, or did so more often than Ludwig did. He dully noted that it was most likely the former, and the way Feliciano looked away from him told him enough about how he felt about it. But then again, if he didn't want to be seen, why did he start this?

To comfort him, Ludwig pushed him down on his back, and kissed all the scars all the way down to his navel. He also now realized that was fully hard, and had won the now forgotten bet. He began to rub Feliciano's erection through the cotton pants. He immediately moaned as his back arched and his eyes closed as he took in the physical pleasure. While in the thralls of lust, he reached over with an arm that was occupied with clutching the sheets and pulled down Ludwig's pants.

Instead of getting excited, he was filled with shock and horror at seeing the damage done to Ludwig's thighs. Without a moment to think about it, he pushed Ludwig off, and sat up. He seemed confused at first, but when he followed Feliciano's gaze, he knew what was wrong.

"Those aren't old," he said with a voice that barely held back his angry, sadness, and confusion. "What did you _do_?"

Crap.

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><p>Hopefully that wasn't so out of place. The whole sexy scene was going to happen regardless of how they got there. I was stuck between choosing the path in the story above, and a cut scene where Feli had Ludwig pretend to be a statue, (for imagination) and then he kinda jumped him while talking about how statues can't move thus can't control. I didn't like this idea as much though.<p>

I feel the way I wrote it fit for several reasons: one it plays with the reasonings behind it (Ludwig wanted to test Feli, Feli has lots of secret reasons i can't say yet), two teenagers are kinda horny and I was playing with that (that's why the followed through as far as they did) and three we needed to see the extent of Feliciano's scars and Felicano needed to see what Ludwig did to himself.

And yes, this is the first time Ludwig has seen the scars on his chest, before he was either too far away, focused on other parts, saw only his back turned, ect, ect.

Can I get a couple reviews, just to know that people still care? As long as i get two I'll continue!


	16. Chapter 16

AN: Another chapter already? Don't these things usually take a month, haha.

My goodness guys! I've gotten so many reviews! I asked for two and got Twenty (or near twenty). Ya'll are all awesome! I'm sorry that I don't update as fast as I used to, but don't ever mistake this for forgetting. I never forget you guys, ever. I'm always berating myself on leaving you hanging, it makes me feel like I'm abusing my power as a writer! If I could just write anytime and anywhere i would, but i can't. I feel guilty for this sometimes, and then I go into my moods and i can't write at all...

...but enough about me. Here's your next chapter. I want to write another chapter for Better this Way before I update this again, and that could be anytime I figure out what to do. I'm still not sure how I want to write out the next chapter for this, but more on that later, I don't want to spoil. I also have a research paper due on Tuesday that I need to finish. It is mostly done though so I'm not too worried. I hope I can update soon!

Thank you so much to all the people that review, alert me, or add me or the story to their favorites list. It really makes my day, honestly.

I don't own anything!

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><p>"What did you do?"<p>

Crap.

Did he forget about that already? How stupid was he? Feliciano was gently rubbing the cut and irritated skin that Ludwig caused earlier in the day. He didn't intend to hurt himself as badly as he had, but as usual he took it too far and now he was paying for it.

"Um, I was itchy?" Ludwig gave in a weak voice. He knew that was bull shit, and judging by the way Feliciano was glaring at him, so did he.

"I'm not even going to start on how stupid that is," Feliciano said in a stern voice. "When did you do this?" Ludwig didn't want to answer him, he was already afraid of where this was heading. However, Feliciano was a bit of a hypocrite and would want answers immediately. Had the roles been reversed Feliciano probably wouldn't cooperate… Except they aren't, and if he wants to be back on his good side he had better just answer him.

"Today…" Ludwig stated glumly "I did it today…" He could feel the boner in his pants wilt like a dying flower. When Feliciano heard this the look of anger on his face faded into something, something worse…

"Oh_ Dio_," Feliciano whimpered. Tears rose in his eyes and he brought a hand up to his mouth. "_When _today?" When Ludwig did not answer, the tears rolled over and his breath hitched. "Oh no…no…no…_Dio_ no!" he whined in guilty misery. He looked up at Ludwig "This is my fault isn't it?"

Ludwig made no move to neither confirm nor deny the accusation. It sort of was his fault, though not in the way Feliciano probably thought. He had only stressed out Ludwig's already highly confused and disturbed mind, it's not like Feliciano asked to be on his mind 24/7.

Feliciano drew his knees up to his chest and grabbed fistfuls of his hair, tugging on them as hard as he could. His eyes were squeezed tightly shut and he was chewing on his bottom lip in an attempt to calm down his breathing. Ludwig half scooted/half crawled over and extended an arm to reach Feliciano's. He had only meant to calm him down, but instead he violently flinched. His eyes popped open and he gave a hard stare at the hand touching him.

With a harsh shove he pushed Ludwig's hand away from him and growled out in a low voice: "Do **not** touch me!" He slid backwards and around and stepped off of the bed in a manner that was both graceful and terrifying. He picked his shirt up from off the floor and pulled it roughly over his and down onto him. He laid down on his bed and curled up with his back facing Ludwig. "You shouldn't touch me…I'm not worth touching…Not if I'm driving you to do such things…Not that I was worth it to begin with…" Ludwig's eyes went wide as he took in all that he was saying. He surely can't believe that he is the cause of this!

"Feliciano! You're not-"

"Sssh," Feliciano interrupted. His voice was eerily calm, like a mother trying to soothe a small child. "I don't need you to lie to me Ludwig. I'm not a good person, we both know that. I treat you like crap and I try to take your most precious thing from you, and for what? All I'm doing is manipulating you, I'm doing it all the time and I can't stop."

"Feliciano…That's not true!" Ludwig said in desperate exasperation. Feliciano's break down was beginning to scare him. And it was all his fault! If only he hadn't been so selfish and stupid. If he weren't so pathetic he wouldn't drive Feliciano to this… The man in question curled up tighter at his statement.

"Ludwig…you're really great, and really special. I'm not, I'll only ruin you. I'll never move on, you can." He paused for a second, and made a choking sound as though he was holding back a sob. He sniffled, and with a wobbling voice he continued. "I don't want to ruin you. I really, really don't…You have to stop talking to me." He demanded in a weak, crying voice. "It's the only way, if maybe you can pretend that I wasn't here, then maybe you'll have chance…"

"Feliciano…" Ludwig let out defeated. There was no way he was going to be able to talk him out of this. Well maybe he could, but he was so distressed now that he couldn't think of anything to say. Despair clutched at his throat, squeezing it shut. He can't say a single thing…

"Just trust me on this Ludwig. You'll see…" He didn't say a single word after that. Ludwig sighed in defeat and put his shirt back on after collecting if from the floor. He pulled his pants back up and got under the covers. He lied down facing Feliciano back and the damn of a million thoughts broke down.

How could he let Feliciano find out? Why didn't he do anything to try to fix this? Can he fix this? Will anything ever be the same between him? What did Feliciano really feel? Was he disgusted with him? Was that another reason that he was doing this? Did he not want to face him? Why did he have to blame himself? Why did he let him blame himself? If only he was twice the man and could tell him that it wasn't his fault!

Ludwig had never felt so ashamed of himself in his entire life. Being discovered after his suicide attempt was nothing compared to this. He had hurt his friend…crush…roommate…_love_? Well, whatever he was, he had probably hurt him beyond repair, and it was his entire fault… Not even the therapist could help him with this, unless they wanted to get in trouble. Would they separate them? Would Feliciano tell to get them placed in separate rooms? God, he didn't want that. He would probably never seen him again.

What if they got kicked out? Who gets rejected from a hospital? What about Feliciano? He wouldn't get help anymore help, not that it seemed to help much in the first place. If he got kicked out he would probably try to kill himself… What if he succeeded?

_Oh Gott_! He's killed Feliciano!

Now he would be a murderer! All because he had to try and give himself temporary relief.

If anyone should die, it should be Ludwig.

It should always be him.

As he fell asleep, the terrible thoughts morphed into even worse nightmares. Nightmares that he knew he deserved; nightmares that he would take forever if only he could take back what he had done.

If only…

XxXxXxXxX

When he woke up the next morning, Feliciano had already left. The shower was wet from where he had been and his clothes from last night discard off to the side. Showering alone was terrible; he was so used to Feliciano's humming and bubbly chatter. Now the room just felt hollow and impersonal. Maybe he could try to talk to him soon, maybe not today, but perhaps tomorrow or Tuesday. Maybe if he gave Feliciano his space he'll see calm down and let Ludwig get close again.

At breakfast Feliciano wasn't sitting at their usual table. He was actually nowhere in sight. He had to have been their though… did he rush through his meal just so that he could avoid him? He got his breakfast and his meds and he sat down at his table. Was the chair always this cold? He picked at the toast on the tray with his fork. He really didn't feel like eating , but he knew they would make him if he wouldn't. Would they accuse him of developing an eating disorder? Would he have to stay longer? Though if he would then he could be with Feliciano longer…

He was thrown out of his thoughts by a person tapping on his shoulder. He looked over to see a towering blonde in glasses staring him down. Now that he thought about it didn't he see him on that game night?

"Berwald?" Ludwig asked. He nodded in affirmation.

"Th' 'thers w'nt'd t' see 'f y' w'nt'd t' j'in us," he asked through his thick accent. He gestured over to the table were Kiku, Lilli, Yao, Michelle, and Toris were sitting. "Y' l'ked l'nly." Ludwig forced a smile and nodded.

"Yeah, that'd be nice." He got up and followed Berwald over to the table. He sat down between Kiku and Berwald. The others were giving him curious stares; he wasn't sure what for though. It was beginning to freak him out until Kiku spoke up.

"Gomensai," he stated. "It's just that they aren't used to seeing you alone at a meal." The other nodded shyly.

"You haven't been here very long," Lilli began, "But usually people settle down into routines quickly, and Feli isn't the type to break it. Unless…"

"Did you two get into a fight aru?" Yao asked. Toris nudged him for the question but Yao just shrugged. "I'm only asking, aru. You all wanted to anyway."

"No, it's okay," Ludwig said. "But yes, we did sort of fight."

"Over what?" Toris asked. Ludwig blanched right there. What would he tell them? He can't tell them what really happened. He'd have to lie the best he can. "I don't remember, It was really emotional and it was really late. Only the feelings from the aftermath linger. I'm pretty sure I'm the one who started it…but now Feliciano doesn't want to see me." The others hummed in sympathy.

"Feli will probably come around," Michelle said. "He'll forgive you for whatever it is, I'm sure of it!" He wished that this would be true, but he isn't the one that needs to be forgiven. Feliciano needs to forgive himself for the crime he didn't commit. Until he could manage to get him to talk to him, none of that could be done.

After that they dropped the subject and continued onto to other subjects. Ludwig wasn't able to pay attention though, his mind kept wandering to Feliciano. His heart sunk like a stone into his stomach as the memories from last night replayed over and over. The sound of his sobs, the tears on his face, the crack in his voice when he had asked him what he did to himself; it was endless.

When he finished the meal he bid his farewells and quickly retreated out of the cafeteria and into the sanctuary of his room. He only made it halfway across the room before breaking down into tears. He sank down to the floor in guilty tears, and only one thought ran through his mind:

_I should have died that night_.

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><p>Angst, angst, angst! But yes, there you go. Everything is going to crapsack central. Isn't being a teenager fun?<p>

But as I mentioned before, I might be able to use this as an ability to jump ahead a lot of time so I can get to a more important event sooner (which is Friday, the visiting day. It is Sunday morning right now in the story) I'm going to post what day it is at the beginning and ends of chapters, just keep you and myself straight. But yeah, other than group meetings and sessions with Russia, we should be bouncing around until Feliciano decideds to talk to Ludwig.

I'll stick with the two review rule. All of you guys really don't have to review unless ya'll want to, putting a review limit does seem kinda silly and selfish... But that is how I am :a terrible person I know, sorry!

I hope you enjoyed!


	17. Chapter 17

AN: I'm sorry. I'm not going to bore you with personal crap you don't care about. That's irrelevant. I just want to say sorry.

Story notes at the end of chapter.

Thanks for all reviews, favorites, and alerts. I don't own anything.

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><p>Ludwig saw Feliciano briefly at lunch and dinner; both times he was dumping his empty tray. Feliciano did not give him even a seconds worth of a glance as he passed him on his way out of the cafeteria. The group Ludwig sat with at breakfast extended their invitation to sit with them at both lunch and dinner, but he declined. He couldn't sit with anyone else; he'd only be reminded that Feliciano was no longer associating with him.<p>

Ludwig spent the day doing particularly nothing. Sometimes he'd walk around aimlessly, other times he'd just stay in his room staring at the wall. Time used to slip by so easily before, now it came to a grinding halt; every minute was an hour and day stretched on for eternity. He was thankful when the sun set, as it now meant that he was ever so slowly inching his way towards the end of the day. Maybe tomorrow would be better? Would Feliciano talk to him then maybe?

This semi-cheery thought was promptly shot down when bedtime actually came around. Feliciano acknowledged him, yet at the same time he didn't. If he looked in his direction, it was like he transparent, a hint of him there, but not enough for respect and recognition. When he would look away he'd make a noise that was a cross between a shudder, snort, and a tsk.

"I _don't want to ruin you_" his ass! Feliciano was pissed at him! He hated him! Ludwig couldn't blame him though. No one likes whiners and he was the worst! Then he had to result to the pathetic act of self-injury! Unbelievable! Feliciano may have done the same once, but he must be getting better! Ludwig wasn't sure of Feliciano's past, but perhaps he was getting over it? And if he was getting over it, why should someone like Ludwig try to drag him back down to his lowly state. This would explain all the strange behavior he'd get whenever Feliciano would snap at him. This whole time he only thought that he was a nuisance; he was probably only being nice out of pity. And last night… well, he was probably just horny.

Still, Ludwig couldn't find it in himself to be angry at him. If anything he almost felt a sick happiness in learning the life lessons that were hiding in this situation. Never trust anyone, never talk about your problems, if someone is nice then they are lying! It all makes sense now!

Feliciano by this point had already crawled in bed and was fast asleep. Ludwig decided to try and do the same, changing his position to lie on the bed (when did he sit on it to begin with…?). As soon as he hit the pillow he began to feel drowsiness take over. Yet there was still those few thoughts that lingered, and they were all around you know who.

Ludwig supposed that he could appreciate Feliciano's attempts to be nice to him, even if they were fake. It was nice that he put in the effort to uphold such an elaborate scheme. But it was over with now, and he'd just have to accept that. The best thing he could do to thank him now was to stay out of his way and try his hardest not to exist around him. After all, he was such a better person than he was he deserves it, right?

Wait, does that even make sense…?

Before he could think about it any longer, his world went black as he drifted into a dreamless sleep…

XxXxXxXxX

When he woke up Feliciano was gone of course. Ludwig tried to not let this bother him, Feliciano was obviously happier without him, but somehow this wasn't enough. He'd become too dependent on Feliciano's company that he couldn't find satisfaction in letting him be free. Once again he felt like a dog hopelessly in love with his master. In love with his master even though he'd been dumped into a pound and left to rot.

Ludwig shook his head. It was pointless to ponder over it now, no matter how soul sucking it felt. He tired to preoccupy himself by getting ready for the day. He tossed on his clothes and went to the bathroom for his morning bathroom break and to brush his teeth. As he went in he caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror: grungy, messy hair; dark circles under his eyes, and facial stubble. On any other day he'd rush into the shower and go to shave, yet he didn't care. Ludwig just groaned and carried on with his business.

Afterwards he went to breakfast, Feliciano once again unshockingly missing. He downed all of his pills dry with annoyance and proceeded onto his meal. It looked like toast, eggs, and sausage, but he couldn't taste it. The food became flavorless and it was hard to swallow. He wasn't sure if it was because he was moody or if it was some weird side affect of his medication, but he didn't really care to bother with it. Maybe the tastelessness would be an improvement?

The corner of his mouth turned upwards in a smirk, but shrank when he thought about how Feliciano would have laughed.

Ugh, he was thinking about him again…

Was he doomed to be wrapped around his little finger? Why did he give him this power? If he was like this after two days away from him, what would the rest of his life be like? Would he be some lonely wreck like in one of the female books, just waiting for some pretty girl that thinks she can fix him? Ludwig snorted at this thought, like he'd let that happen!

Once he was done with his meal, he dumped the tray and began to leave the cafeteria. Then a sudden thought hit him: today was Monday! They would have their group meeting today, and a group meeting meant he would have to see Feliciano again. They would have to interact with each other, wouldn't they? Isn't that what they were supposed to do? But what if he didn't?

Wait, wasn't it better for Feliciano to not speak to him if he didn't want to?

"Damn it!" he cursed out loud to himself. All he was doing was confusing himself now! Did he want to see him again or did he want to let him go and have Feliciano be happy without him. Nonetheless he needed to figure it out soon, as the group meeting would start in forty-five minutes. With a resigned sigh he set off on the typical path he for walking.

This situation with Feliciano would need to solve itself soon, for better or for worse, though it would probably end with the latter. He'd go insane if he had to think about him for another minute! How is he supposed to recover if he couldn't even think straight!

Recover? That's what he's supposed to be doing right? Is that even possible? What was there for him to recover from? He just sees things as the way they were. Sure it wasn't always a positive outlook, but since when was that relevant to facts? Happiness wasn't relevant to basic need of survival was it? Happiness isn't relevant at all. He probably should just do what father tells him to and be a lawyer. Money and status were important for human survival, not happiness. He wouldn't get that from being some lowly baker, despite that vague feeling of joy such a dream stimulates inside him.

If happiness wasn't needed, then neither was recovery—not that he needed it anyway. Recovery to these people means giving false happiness with pills and forced affirmation of how 'wonderful' of he person he was. He didn't need that crap, he just need to get out of here and carry on with normal life.

A sudden grasp on his arm shook him out of his thoughts. He turned around to see one of the nurses with an apathetic face.

"Mr. Beilschmidt, you're late for your group meeting," he said to him, silently watching for Ludwig's reaction and response.

That didn't make sense at all. He had only be walking for ten minutes right? He had plenty of time! He turned his head to look at the wall clock, pointing out that he was indeed 7 minutes late.

Shit.

Ludwig grunted in response, unable to find words out of embarrassment and confusion. The nurse nodded in response, and with a firm grasp kept on his arm, led him to his session.

This was going to be fun.

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><p>AN: As far as story notes goes, I think I accidentally wrote Ludwig with a mild form of Dissociation disorder. He constantly zones out and loses track of time. What is a little amount of time in his head could be a couple of hours outside in the real world. There is also his habit of wandering around aimlessly during all of this... Is this a correct and should be added to the story, or am I getting conceited and seeing things where they aren't?<p>

At least three reviews and I'll continue. Till next time...


	18. Chapter 18

AN: Hey everybody. I had time (not really) to knock out a chapter so I figured I might as well. This was all done in one sitting, so it should be more coherent than the last.

Just a couple of things real fast. One: I really have no interest in writing this anymore. I'm only doing this for you, the readers. I refuse to quit until the end, even if hate writing this story. I just don't have the interest or motivation, and I'm sorry for that. I'll still do my best to finish it, but expect slow updates because of this and Two: I'm in college now, with two art classes and they are kinda kicking my butt as far as homework goes I hate. I really hate art. I stopped liking it a long time ago. I'm only doing it now because it's the only thing I know how to do anymore. So yeah, a lot of my free time is chocked up because of this.

Thank you for all the reviews, alerts and favorites! I hope this isn't complete crap! Story notes at the bottom.

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><p>All eyes were on Ludwig as he entered the room, a mixture of confusion and keen interest shown across their faces. All except for Feliciano, whom had been looking, but held a look of a regret and concern. Their eyes met only briefly before Feliciano turned to look at Miss Elizabeta.<p>

"Thank you for bringing him," She said to the nurse holding on to him. He nodded in response and left the room, leaving Ludwig by the doorway. "Please, have a seat, Ludwig," she said kindly. "I'll let you slide this time, but I'd rather we didn't have a repeat incident for this." Her voice sounded playful, but Ludwig still felt unnerved by her somehow.

"Tut mir Leid…ah…sorry," he started as headed for the couch, which was currently occupied by Kiku and Lilli, whom were sitting in the middle and end respectively. He sat at the unused space at the end, by Kiku, who gave him a slight nod in greeting. "I lost track of time, it won't happen again."

"I sure hope it doesn't," Miss Elizabeta said with a laugh. "But now that we are all here, we can move onto our topic. As I told the others prior to your arrival, today's topic is trust. Now all you have someone that you can trust, I assume? A friend or family member that you can tell anything to?" She paused to give them all time to think of someone. Ludwig didn't have any friends, his mother was no longer around and his father was the last person he would ever trust. The only person he had was Gilbert, his crazy older brother. Well, him and someone else, but that person as no important He looked around at his peers, all were either making faces of recognition or nodding to themselves as they thought of someone. Miss Elizabeta noticed this and continued.

"You can trust them with anything, and they've assured you of this many times, but how many of you don't trust the person that you thought of?" Once again he thought back to Gilbert. She was right; in the end he didn't trust Gilbert. He'd never told him once about how he felt or of his self-injury. He never told him about his dreams of being a baker or just about anything else in his life. If they did talk, he more often than not lied about everything or just acted busy or annoyed so he wouldn't have to lie. He looked up at the others again, they all did look very uncomfortable, most likely from coming to the same conclusion that Ludwig did.

"Many of you didn't tell this person you were feeling suicidal, or of anything that caused those feelings. Why is this? Would anyone like to explain why you don't trust this person, even if you can?"

The room fell silent, no one wanting to speak. This silence lasted for only a few moments before Lilli let out a chocked sob and started to cry.

"B-big brother tri- tries so hard to make sure I'm happy!" She whimpered out. Her delicate hands wrapped themselves up in her thinned hair and her knees drew themselves up to her chest. "I- I didn't want him to feel bad. I didn't… I didn't want him to think he failed, or he did something wrong… I just thought it would be better if he never knew." She began to cry harder and she pressed her face into her bony knees. "If I could pretend to be happy then he could be happy…be as happy as he tried to make me…"

Kiku placed a hand on her shoulder and gave a gentle squeeze. She shifted her head slightly so that she could see him and give him a small smile.

"That's understandable. I don't he'd be very happy to know how you feel. But if you killed yourself he'd feel worse, wouldn't he?" Miss Elizabeta pushed gently. Lilli wiped some of her tears and nodded. Kiku gave Lilli another gentle squeeze before returning his hand back to its folded position in his lap.

"Heracles took it to heart when I didn't tell him how I felt. When he visited me in the hospital after," Kiku paused briefly, discomfort passing over his face, "my 'attempt' he asked why I didn't tell him. He was hurt that I didn't trust him enough to tell him anything." He face them brightened somewhat, and faint pink tinged his cheeks. "I try to do better now, now that we are, how should I say… together? He appreciates this greatly, and hopes this will prevent any further incidents or attempts…"

Ludwig was slightly shocked at how comfortable Kiku was about talking over such matters. Toris, however, hummed in agreement.

"Feliks was the same way. He started fussing at me 'how could you do that! That is totally not cool'," Laughter played on his face as he thought about him. "Feliks came to me for absolutely everything. From whether he chipped a nail, or if someone kicked him for deciding to wear a skirt that day. He got mad that I let everything bottle up instead of going to him like he does to me."

While Ludwig was glad that the other were learning and were getting better with their important persons, he couldn't help but to envy them too. His last few interactions with Gilbert weren't positive and he was beginning to regret. He let out a breath that he didn't even realize he was holding and noticed that his fist was clenched dangerously tight around the fabric of his pants.

"Is there anything you would like to say?" Miss Elizabeta asked him as she noticed him. Ludwig didn't want to say anything really, but since the others had spoken, perhaps he should too?

"Ah, I guess I have my bruder-ah-brother, Gilbert. We don't speak much, or have the best relationship. He's a couple years older than me and I was always more busy than him, but he's the person I'm closest to," Other than Feliciano that is. Or was. But no one needed to really know about that. "He haven't spoken much recently though, and when we did it wasn't the best conversation we had… But I don't think he likes what I did."

The others nodded in whatever as he finished his story. Saying it out loud just made Ludwig feel worse, as though he were confirming it somehow. Miss Elizabeta didn't have anything to say. She just wrote something down and looked over to Feliciano, whom had been quiet the entire session.

"Do you have anything to say on the subject?" she asked him. Feliciano stiffened slightly and put on a clearly fake smile. Or was it only fake to Ludwig, he wasn't quite sure.

"No, not really," he said in a peppy voice. It didn't seem to fit him honestly, at least not now. Miss Elizabeta wouldn't take this though.

"Surely at least someone must come to mind?" Ludwig wondered briefly who he would have. He was so secretive he probably didn't trust anyone. "What about your family? Surely your bro-"

"No!" he scowled out at her. Anger and discomfort flashed across his face like a bolt of lighting, lasting only an instant before gone again and replaced with a more serene expression. "I just mean, we never got along and I really don't want to talk about it."

The room tensed and no one really knew what to say. After an awkward silence Elizabeta moved on with the session. More talk about how to trust and why must learn to filled their ears and their thoughts. It's so hard to trust, she says, but it is a necessity if we do not wish to land in worse situations.

Ludwig didn't think he ever could trust though. He never had once in his life, and he didn't see that happening any time soon. Though it could be a double standard since he wanted Feliciano to trust him. Was that how Feliciano felt when they were still talking? How horrible it must be to yearn for someone to trust you while knowing you can't possibly do the same.

Feliciano was giving him many glances throughout Elizabeta's lesson, and that was beginning to bother him. Did he want to talk to him again? Was he doing it drive him mad? Did he feel bad ignoring him or did he just want to tell him he requested a room change and felt better by telling him in person about it first. But before he could come up with any more scenario's he noticed the other getting up and leaving. Had Miss Elizabeta dismissed them from the meeting.?

As Ludwig got up to leave, Feliciano walked over to him. He didn't say anything at first, he just gazed at Ludwig's face as though trying to psychically figure out what was going through his mind. He opened and closed his mouth several times, but never said anything. Just as Ludwig was going to ask what he wanted, another voice cut into their thoughts.

"Ludwig, can I speak with alone for a few moments?" Miss Elizabeta asked. Feliciano frowned and walked away in resignation. Ludwig sighed at this.

"Yes, I don't mind," he said to her. Then he turned to Feliciano's retreating figure. "Feli," he called out, almost cringing at how wonderful it was to call him by his nickname. Feliciano seemed to pick up on the familiarity and smiled a bit. "Dinner?" He nodded in response and skipped out of the room, delightfully better than the trudging he was doing a few moments prior. After he left he returned his attention back to Miss Elizabeta, whom had been patiently waiting.

"Have you been having problems concentrating?" she asked in a serious manner. "A few minutes late is one thing, but some other reports about you are worrying. Nurses say you walk around in a loop for long periods of time, almost as though you weren't really there. I've noticed the same today, after you stopped paying attention to my lesson, you jumped in surprise when you noticed the others were leaving, you didn't even notice I had dismissed. Is there anything you'd like to say for this?"

Ludwig was shocked. He knew that he was recently losing track of time more easily, but that was just because this place was boring, wasn't it? Wasn't thinking a normal way to pass time? Its not like he was late for everything. Today was just an unfortunate mishap; he'll do better next time… He always tires harder the next time.

"I don't really have an opinion on this" he said coolly. "I'm not even sure what you're talking about. Zoning out is normal for people, isn't it?" Miss. Elizabeta nodded.

"True, I just wanted to give you something to think about. Dr. Braginski will be questioning about it further and I just wanted to give you a heads up on this before hand." Ludwig nodded in response, to which she smiled. "That's all I needed to say, you may leave now."

Ludwig didn't say anything. He just didn't have anything to say about that. But the fact that she had to say something about it was bothering him. Was there something else wrong with him on top of everything else? He couldn't just be a depressed freak; he had to be a psycho freak too. He grumbled in detestment of this thought.

Just as he was about to leave, another person stepped into the doorway, blocking his path. Elizabeta let out an unprofessional squeal of delight while Ludwig's blanched in horror. He knew him too well, and so did Miss Elizabeta apparently.

"Roddy! I thought you were going to wait for me outside!" she said happily. She turned to Ludwig in an attempt to Introduce him. "Ludwig, this is my husband-"

"-Mr. Edelstein" Ludwig completed for her. She blinked in confusion and looked between the two.

"Have you two met before?" she asked in astonishment. Mr. Edelstein nodded, a slight sadness tingeing his face.

"Yes," he said with a smooth German accent. "He was one of the best student's I've had."

Right there and then Ludwig really wished that he could just disappear, more so than he ever did in his entire life!

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><p>So more from the characters and expository lesson about trust. Maybe I should take my own advice? -laughs- And is Feliciano ready to get over his butt hurt and talk to Ludwig? -rainbow pasta explosion- And Austria finally showed up. He was originally planned to be little more than a cameo, but I extended his role a bit to include him in this and the next chapter. See you soon maybe? Probably not.<p>

This is probably redundant, but three reviews and I'll continue! 'Till next time!


	19. Chapter 19

AN: So yeah... I said I'd return in December. Taking my sweet time too I guess. I didn't get any work for this done at all. But I got my butt to it and I busted through and made you all a chapter just in time for Christmas! Yay! Yeah, so here you go.

I don't own anything!

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><p>While Ludwig would have preferred to meet no one from his school here, Mr. Edelstein was one of the people he least preferred. Not that he disliked him, or because he was a terrible teacher. It was because he was a good teacher, one that he got to know well, and the only person he ever told about his secret ambitions.<p>

"He was one of the best student's I've had." Mr. Edelstein said to Miss Elizabeta, explaining the situation to his wife. Ludwig's ears and cheeks pinked at this sentiment, but that didn't stop the feeling of great shame from dwelling inside of him.

"How can you say that?" Ludwig asked, trying to make the situation less strange and surreal. "I never even played an instrument." This got Edelstein's attention focused back on him.

"True as that is, you paid attention, wrote the best papers, and expressed such an understanding for the subject that no other student of mine had ever accomplished," a faint smile graced his face, but faltered a bit. A sadness passed in front of his eyes as he truly looked at Ludwig now, who resisted the urge to cringe under his former teacher's scrutiny. Ludwig assumed that he figured out what it meant for him to be in his wife's group, and all the unfortunate implications that went along with it.

A sick feeling began to pool in his stomach. Just how much did he know, he wondered. Did Miss Elizabeta talk about them at home? If Mr. Edelstein knew what kind of kids she worked with, what did he think about them? What did he think about Ludwig now? Was he still 'the best student' or was he just a failure? Maybe he wasn't as pathetic though, since he knew about his secret dream. Or was he just anticipating this? Is that what that look was for? Did he feel guilty for knowing this was going to happen?

Did he know all along?

Ludwig's heart was pounding in his chest, and suddenly his throat no longer seemed to want to let him breath. His hand began to tremble and the feeling of sickness in his stomach was beginning to make him feel lightheaded. Everything suddenly became distorted, and the only thing he could think about was how the man before him knew too much. He needed to leave, _now_.

Mr. Edelstein opened his mouth to say something, but Ludwig didn't want to hear it. Though he couldn't exactly get cohesive thoughts together, he knew that he had to leave now. With a sudden bolt of energy he unceremoniously pushed past Mr. Edelstein and ran down the hallway. The yells and calls he got fell on deaf ears, the instinct to run was the only thing he could focus on.

He somehow made his way back into his room, he didn't really know how, but as soon as he was in he sank to the floor. Breathing became even more difficult and felt like he was drowning. His every thought was laced in fear and they began to race faster and faster. Then to his further shock the door burst open and Miss Elizabeta and a Nurse ran in. Miss Elizabeta dropped down to Ludwig's level and placed on hand on his shoulder to stead him and another under his jaw to get him to look up.

"Ludwig, I need you to calm down," She said in a firm voice. "Do you understand me?" His breathing began to slow down but not enough for her liking, and he slowly began to nod. "Good. Okay, now I need you to breath. Do you understand me? I need you to breath.

Ludwig nodded and tried to do as he was told, taking in large gulps of air and letting them go again. With this his heart rate began to go down to normal and he became more aware of the actual world again. His throat no longer felt closed up, but his face and neck felt hot and sweaty.

"Are you feeling better now?" Miss Elizabeta asked.

"Yes," he grunted while nodding. His throat was slightly sore and made him hesitant to speak. "I'm sorry… I don't know what came over me. That has never happened before."

"Never?" She asked. Ludwig nodded in response. "What happened was you had a panic attack."

Panic attack? What was that? He felt compelled to ask, but kept silent, deciding he had done enough already. Miss Elizabeta stood back up, and he took that has his cue to the same.

"Okay, now the nurse is going to take you to the infirmary took make sure nothing to adverse has happened to you. Since it was your first time having a panic attack we need to get you checked out to make sure everything is alright with you." The nurse in question stepped forward. She wore an unreadable expression that Ludwig wasn't sure was meant to calm him or if she always just looked like that.

"Follow me," she said. Ludwig grunted and the three left his room behind.

XxXxXxXxX

They kept him in the infirmary for longer than Ludwig liked. Upon arrival he was giving a blood pressure check, had his temperature taken, and been asked to describe everything that he felt during the panic attack. He didn't have any problems until he was asked to identify what the trigger was that caused the attack in the first place. He thought back to when he was with Mr. Edelstein, and he felt a nervous jolt run through him once again.

The nurse, fearing another attack, told him not to think about it. This made Ludwig feel better for only a moment, as then the nurse told him that they were going to keep him under observation just incase anything happened again. This he found to be highly annoying. There was nothing to do in the infirmary but to stare at the walls or the ceiling, which was what he had been doing for the past three and a half hours. Dinner started 15 minutes ago and he hoped that him being late wouldn't upset Feliciano. He didn't want to miss the one chance he may have to make up with him.

"Ludwig," the nurse said, her voice breaking up his thoughts. "You may leave now. Go get your dinner."

"Thanks," he muttered as he hopped off the bed he was forced to lay on. After leaving the infirmary he began to fast walk towards the cafeteria where Feliciano was hopefully still waiting for him. As he faced the doors he felt a sense of dread and apprehension fill him. What if he wasn't there? What if he was?

Well, he'd never know if he didn't try…

With this, he pushed the doors open and hastily entered into the cafeteria. After looking around he spotted Feliciano sitting in what was their usual spot. He was without a food tray and had his head propped up in his folded hands. As Ludwig approached he dropped his hands became attentive to him.

"Ludwig," Feliciano said as he stood up. "I thought you'd be here a little sooner…" He tried to joke, but neither found it to be very funny.

"I got held up by the infirmary," Ludwig said cooly, hoping Feliciano wouldn't press on it. Feliciano gasped in response.

"Ve, are you okay? Did something happen? You seemed fine at the group meeting," he rushed out as he took a few steps closer to Ludwig.

"I'm fine," Ludwig responded. "I'll explain later; after we get our food and talk about other things." Feliciano nodded in response and the two headed off for the line.

After they got their food and sat back down, neither of them said anything. Feliciano picked at his food while Ludwig stirred his mashed potatoes. The latter could no longer stand the silence so he found that he must begin.

"You're finally speaking to me again," Ludwig started, "Does that mean you've decided that you don't hate me anymore, or is there something else that I'm missing?"

"Hate you?" Feliciano asked. "Why do you think that I hate you?" Ludwig shrugged.

"You wouldn't talk to me, or look at me, so I figured-"

"I told that was for your own good," Feliciano interrupted. "I didn't want-"

"Bullshit!" Ludwig growled. "You made it very clear that the mere sight of disgusted you. The fact that you are looking at me without cringing is pretty surprising about now." Feliciano looked at him with shock at the outburst.

"Oh," he stated dully. "I was hoping you wouldn't notice."

"How would I not notice?" Ludwig asked, appalled at the statement. "Don't you realize what you are… what you were… to me? I'd go as far as to say you were my first friend, and I screw up once and you toss me away under the guise of 'doing it for my own good'."

"No, I really did mean that!" Feliciano defensively said. "But then… I just…" Feliciano looked off to the side and raised his hand to tug at his hair. "I'm not sure what happened. I was angry and sad at myself because I drove you to it, but then I became angry, angry at you. I don't know why, I just know now it was irrational anger and I didn't mean it." His hands darted forward to grab one of Ludwig's that were resting on the table and stared into his eyes intently. "I'm so sorry that I made you feel like that, but its like I said, I'm not a good person and you should stay away."

Feliciano's eyes watered up and he pulled his hands back. Ludwig wasn't sure what to make of the current situation. Feliciano hadn't denied the accusations, but at the same time he was beginning to understand how emotionally unstable Feliciano actually was. He probably wasn't lying now. It probably would be best if Ludwig stayed away from him. He looked up again at Feliciano who had now begun to cry quietly to himself.

Maybe it would be best, but once again Ludwig found himself not giving a damn about that.

He stood up slightly and reached over to him, lifting his hand to wipe some of the tears that were running down his face.

"Feli, please, don't do that," he said softly, surprising even himself with his voice. "I forgive you."

"What?" Feliciano asked in shock.

"I forgive you, even though there's not really anything to forgive," Ludwig said. After wiping a few more tears he caught hold of one of Feliciano's hands and gave it a firm hold. "I think I'm beginning to understand at least a little bit of how your mind works, and even though you think that you're the worst thing to happen to me, its really the best." Feliciano had stopped crying and only looked on in surprise and awe. Ludwig took this as a good sign and continued, beginning to blush slightly as he tried to put his words together. "I really, really like you, and I'd like for whatever we had to return to what it once was."

"Of course!" Feliciano piped up. "I really like you too Ludi! I like you a lot! I-"

Ludwig held his hand up, interrupting whatever lovestruck tangent he was about to go on.

"However, if we go back to the way things were, I think we should make an agreement." Feliciano looked nervous at that.

"What kind of agreement?" he asked suspiciously.

"I only ask is that whenever one of us is going through an 'issue' or we feel like doing something that will either damage us or we'll regret, then we promise to seek each other out."

"I don't know," Feliciano shifted uncomfortably in his seat. "I don't think I can keep to a promise like that, or at least to the amount you want me to. I mean I'll be there for you , but trying to learn to go to you would be…"

"It's like what Miss Elizabeta said earlier. We need to learn to trust. If we can learn to trust each other then maybe we can get better." Feliciano still looked doubtful. "Will you at least try?"

Feliciano didn't move for a moment or so, as he tried to take in everything that was happening. He swallowed thickly and looked up at Ludwig. He smiled, though the other could tell it was forced, and he nodded in agreement. Feliciano lifted his hand and extended his pinky.

"I promise I'll try my best to stick to our agreement," and he paused in hesitation, "and to try and learn to trust." Ludwig smiled for the first time in what seemed to be eternity and lifted his hand to complete the pinkie promise.

"Good, now let's finish this food so we can get out of here." Feliciano nodded eagerly and dove into their meals. It was cold and tasteless, but Ludwig didn't care. He was just happy to have Feliciano back.

Happy to have his Feliciano back.

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><p>Fluffy ending for Christmas yay! I don't know what ya'll will think of this, so I don't think I'll say anything. If ya'll hate it shoot me after I open my presents! Happy Holidays!<p> 


	20. Author's Note: Sorry

I'm sorry, but I simply cannot do this anymore. I know I said I wouldn't abandon, but I was being unrealistic. I have no drive for writing, and I'm not even in the Hetalia fandom anymore, I've moved on. I don't even use the site anymore to even read fanfiction.

Its been almost two years since I started this, and almost a year since the last chapter. Does anyone actually even care anymore? If not, I'm just going to delete. For those that do care, you can leave some story related questions in a review and I can post a Q&A final chapter if anyone wanted to know how it was going to play out, or just background character info. I'll leave that up until the end of the year and then delete the story.

I know it sucks when stories get abandoned, I really don't want to because of this, but I really can't pretend that I intend to pick this up in my spare time. That's why I'm leaving this notice.

EDIT: I am going to attempt to get somewhere with this story. My main problem is the speed, as the story is supposed to take place over a period of 2 months (8 weeks) and I spent 19 chapters on the first two. However, I think if I can finish the next chapter, then time skip about four weeks I'll be able to get to the second half of the story. I had a lot of plans for this part of the story, and this is the part where Feli's story arc really begins to move. If I can somehow turn out 4 or 5 chapters including the unfinished chapter 20, I might be able to become motivated enough to finish the story. If not, I'll post the Q&A.


	21. Final Summary

This is just not going to go anywhere, I'm sorry. The questions that were asked were all plot points that were planned to be revealed, and since I had a good idea of where everything was going, I have detailed out the basic plot line of what would have happened should the story have continued. Hopefully you'll be able to imagine all of this in its full grandeur.

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><p>As of the last chapter, Germany and Italy have made up, and for now they would go back to being cute and cuddly when not having episodes. During his next session with Russia, Germany would be advised and given permission to use the on site gym to get all of his extra energy out and to have something to focus on (not sure if this is a thing or not, heard some hospitals have them). All he does is wander around and zone out when he has nothing to do, and this also gives him a hobby, this is also supposed to a nod to canon Germany being buff, a teenaged AU version of him probably is nowhere near that build just yet.<p>

This would conclude the first half the story, with the second half diving into the mystery of Italy. Germany and Italy as a relationship would probably have developed onto the point of actual mostly-committed relationship. Kiku is also discharged from the hospital, good for Japan, but bad for Germany when he needs to know what is happening with Italy later on. What get's the ball rolling is when America shows up as a new patient of the teen ward, he would be in for an eating disorder (I've honestly loved these kinds of fic and I always thought that there should have been more of them).

America and Germany would probably end up being friends and bonding over the experiences that led to them ending up in the hospital, they both went to the same high school and were in the same graduating class, but never really interacted until now.

When visiting day arrives, Germany and Italy would wait for Prussia to show up, he comes but also brings a friend since that friend now has someone to visit in the hospital too, Canada. This would bring subtle PruCan, but that is not the point of this. Canada showing up is the factor that sets Italy off. After he mostly likely storms off after a drastic mood change, Canada reveals that he was Italy's roommate way back when Italy was freshly committed, Canada showing up a few months afterwards. They became very good friends, maybe even being slightly romantic, Canada getting the most out of this and eventually discharging. Italy felt betrayed and hurt that Canada left him so easily, and is most likely one of the more bigger reasons for why he still here.

With Canada triggering all of the negativity he's tried to forget about, he begins to spiral downward, contrasting to Germany, who has only be going up, and possibly getting an early release. Out of fear of losing Germany the same way he lost Canada, he tries to tear the emotional ties before Germany "can". During a conversation/argument on the topic Italy has a violent outburst, most of which directed at himself, leading to him being heavily medicated and strapped to a bed. When Germany tries to visit he overhears that this is probably the last straw for Italy, and the doctors are to make a decision if he needs to be moved to another facility for even more permanent guests.

When Germany visits Italy its all down to the final reveal. He comments that after years of dealing with his problems, that now is the actual rock bottom. With this he explains all. It starts with being young and oblivious, but cracks when he overhears his brother and the people he thought of as friends talking and joking of stupid and useless he is. The more he thinks about it the more it consumes him, and the more he gets sucked into the darkness of his own mind. This eventually leads to self-harm, and the eventually first suicide attempt. He arrives to the hospital the first time, eventually meets and loses Canada, inducing further feelings of worthlessness, people being untrustworthy, and never being good enough. This also leads into a diagnosis of borderline personality disorder and major depressive disorder. He eventually gets discharged only to attempt suicide again within a week. Once again turning back up at the hospital and for a much longer time. He eventually get's discharged again only for the same to happen again. Treatment at this point is very difficult as Italy is very good a putting up a good front, and is uncooperative, as they would like to think he is getting better, but will most likely hurt himself upon discharge again. Italy even confesses that on the very day that he and Germany first met, he was planning on how to try and kill himself again should he ever get trusted enough to be discharged again. At this point though, with no one trusting him, it has been brought up other doctors and suggested by himself Russia that if he doesn't try it may be in his Italy's best interest that he should be moved to another hospital, though this would mean permanent hospitalization.

Germany begs for him not to give up and give in, but Italy has no response to him. A few days later he gets released to the rest of the hospital again, and Germany has vowed to try and do whatever he can to amend the situation, but the fact that his own release date is now looming ever so closer. I'm honestly not too sure of what happens between this point and the ending. I'm not really sure of what one would say or do to try and fix this situation, maybe you'll know. But I imagine that after a very good conversation, Italy would leave and later finally give a phone call to home.

Romano and Rome would probably show up very quickly to the hospital, and due to the special nature of Italy's case, be given visitation. Those two and Germany finally give one last hurrah to try and fix things with him, of course this doesn't magically solve it, but it opens the door to him to finally accept recovery. Soon after this Germany would be discharged, leading to a heartfelt farewell, though Germany promises to visit.

Germany would go home and confront his father, who still won't pay for Germany to go to culinary school. He accepts this and makes plans to move in with Prussia and get a job so that he can save up for school. It may not happen soon, but he will get there eventually. He may have a few slip ups every now and then with anxiety and self-harming tendencies, but is mostly moving on.

The story would end with an epilogue set from about 8-12 months after Germany's release. With Italy now accepting support from his family, the hospital, and Germany, he is now being released for the final time. Now that both are free from the darkness of their pasts, they can move on to the future together.

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><p>As you can tell, this is a lot, probably another 25-30 chapters worth of story that I just don't have it in me to put out there, but I really did have plan, but this was all just too daunting for me take on when I really don't care about this fandom anywhere. I hope that this is will satisfy you, thank you for reading. If you have any further questions leave them in the review and I'll either pm or making another chapter answering if there are enough.<p> 


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